Written by Khadija

Sunday, 19 April 2009


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Susan Boyle has never been kissed, but has had Nooky Sex!
Susan Boyle has been 'filling her boots since 1971" - no kissing though

Susan Boyle - the voice of a nightingale said yesterday "I really don't know why everyone assumed I said I was the Virgin Mary. I just said I haven't been kissed. I don't like kissing but I like to fill me boots from time to time. What's the big deal and why all the assumptions?"

On hearing the gaffe made solely on assumption and idiotic stereotype the BGT legal team said "We never said Susan was a women who hadn't been poked. People assumed she was a cherry-keeper, because she looked a bit rough. But she did give us an indication she was not a chaste woman by gyrating her hips in a provocative yet, sexually off-putting way".

In the meantime producers have asked other contestants to be more specific about sexual habits by asking them to fill in lengthy questionnaires which details sexual proclivities. Such as, have you ever had sex with a man, woman, animal, minor, minor bird, birds-eye fish finger, finger puppet, puppet on a string, string vest, a vacuum clear hose or a dead body? The questionnaire was designed by Russell Brand.

Tara Sara Alissa Palmer-Huntley one of twenty researchers on the program stated "We can't assume because someone has never been kissed they are not into Golden Showers or S and M. We are living in sordid times, especially Simon Dowell"

Meanwhile Susan Boyle is now the richest woman in Britain and only has 'two dollars' less than Oprah Winfrey. She is due for a makeover by Gok and will sing in front of the Pope in a frock, which was once the Shroud of Turin.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more