The Pope, has shocked the Vatican, by ordering Susan Boyle to sing for him and the Turin Shroud fashioned into her Evening Gown.
The Pope ordered his minions to his Papal bed after having a bright idea, like goggled-eyed Velma Dinkley does in 'Scooby Doo'. He demanded the 'holy' men who spend most of their time avoiding reality, to make a dress for Susan out of the Shroud and a 1939 'Buttericks' pattern - for the hefty and shapeless woman.
Ever the toadies his religious minions shuffled backwards on their knees out of the room and grabbed the shroud of the wall. Where the finest Italian tailors worked on the religious artefact which is said to be the death cloth of some fella called Jesus Christ- son of God.
Giovanni Giovanni one of the tailors said " Whatta big job. Mama Mia! The shroud was kinda old and undesirable looking a bit like the laidy we gonna make the dress for - She's a big boom boom laidy. But we cut it up all nice and good with the sharpest scissors Ma pappa gave me, when I was a bambino".
Giovanni revealed the shroud was ear-marked for Jade Goody's wedding dress, but the Pope changed his mind at the eleventh hour believing something bigger, better and more talented would eventually come along."He's a right the Pope- No?. Heza a very clever man, he read all da books you know and boy does he know how ta pray".
Susan will be travelling to the Vatican in six weeks time after being knighted by the Queen, wearing a two piece ensemble made from the Bayeaux Tapestry. It is thought a stereotypical Jewish tailor wearing a tape measure round his neck and uttering 'oh Vai' has made the suit which depicts the Battle of Hastings. Hymie Finklestoppen of Carnaby St, London has skilfully designed the garment to show Harold with and arrow in his eye over her left breast and Edward the Confessor taking a dump over Susans glorious right knocker.
Max Crifford is pushing the American Government to construct a pair of double gusset drawers for the new 'People's Princess' out of the 'Declaration of Independence.' The Yankee founding fathers would have wanted it that way sighed Max Crifford wiping a tear of liquid gold from his eyes. " No offence to Goody and Kerry, but I'd love to at last represent someone who is also genuinely talented" added the silver stoat.
Jumping on the bandwagon filthy 'Russell Brand' has volunteered to be a Susan's spare pubic hair if she decides to get a Brazilian and de-shed her excess keratin. Susan has refused the offer saying " Och aye....this is one muff he won't ever get his hairy hands on. I may be a stocky old virgin, but I'm not desperately psychotic. Anyway I'm allergic to penicillin".
Susan will be singing in front of the Pope in her shroud dress on June 23rd, unless someone else becomes more hysterically popular in the interim. Max Crifford added "the dress will be more sought-after than Princess Diana's wedding dress, which I am ironically wearing as we speak".
Psychologists have surmised while Susan has a good voice and genuine talent, the hysteria may be caused by the recent death of the late, great 'Jade Goody' and the public's desire to fill a void, and journalists desperation to fill papers, slag-mags and programs. "Politicians are also using her to divert attention from the shitty economy" said Gordon Brown sporting a 'Susan is my Sista' baseball cap .