Britney Spears Removes Top

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

image for Britney Spears Removes Top
Britney Spears prefers strawberry preserves for a PB&J, but I could only find an image of cherries.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Linda Lovelace has been an assistant to Britney Spears for nearly three years, but says she never thought the day would come that she might get to experience something like this. "I know to some people it might not be that big a deal, but to me... wow! It was amazing!"

Lovelace says the whole incident started when she was in the kitchen making Britney a snack. She gathered up some of Miss Spears' favorite ingredients: Honey wheat bread, chunky peanut butter, strawberry preserves. That's when she said she started to feel "a little jumpy."

"I sort of jumped because I thought I heard someone come around the corner," said Lovelace. She told herself it was probably nothing, then nervously spread some peanut butter on one of the slices of bread. Placing it on a plate, she looked up for a second.

She took the jar of preserves in her hands, twisting on the lid as she peered around the corner. Nobody was coming, but Lovelace says, "I started to wonder, am I just being crazy?"

She twisted harder on the lid, but it still wouldn't give. She started to work her way over to the sink, thinking what she might do if Britney walked in on her at that moment. She turned on the faucet, running the jar's lid under it, watching the water get warm, spreading and flowing around the sides of the jar as hot steam rose all around her face.

She turned it off now, snatching a towel from the counter, wiping beads of dew from her forehead before gripping the jar tightly with it. She twisted as hard as she possibly could, the exertion causing her to let out a little yelp.

"And that's when Britney really did walk in. She looked me in the eyes and walked right up to me." Lovelace says Britney was so close she could touch her. Then, she took the jar from Lovelace's hand, giving the top a little twist.

"And wouldn't you know it? There was a pop, and the thing came right off! Amazing!" She added, turning a little red, "See, I told you it wasn't that big a deal."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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