Blog Buzz: Sarah Silverman Dumps Kimmel for Abe Lincoln?

Funny story written by Mr. Staypuf

Friday, 13 March 2009


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Silverman Reportedly Prefers the "Topeka Thumb Drive"

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have broken up again, flaming the unrealistic sexual fantasies of adolescent boys coast to coast. However, rumors of sexual incompatibility are leading many to speculate what could possibly make Sarah Silverman blush in bed.

After witnessing Sarah singing "Amazing Grace" accompanied by her other orifices, one might assume Jimmy can safely hit that entire trio any way he wants and STILL store loose change. While many remain unimpressed with the "Amazing Grace" routine, most confess that the Silverman Trio's cover of Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" was a much superior performance. However, mystery still surrounds the reason for the break-up, leaving many perplexed as to how a toady little guy like Kimmel let a foul-mouthed fox like Sarah get out of the handcuffs in the first place.

Rumors coming out of the Blogesphere point to a love triangle between Kimmel, Silverman and of all people Abraham Lincoln. As one idiot Blogger arrogantly tried to explain it, "It is not at all out of character for Silverman to include necrophilia into her raunchy routines, so this rumor is ridiculous." Another Blogger vehemently disagreed, proclaiming that Silverman has a long history of "craving stiffys", and that she's had them come between her and her lovers before.

These speculations are the source of great amusement to others who live in the real world, leading them to suspect these rumors were intentionally planted to make Bloggers look stupid.

An entertainment reporter, who declined to be identified, explained between gales of laughter that an "Abe Lincoln" is a sex act involving an unconscious partner and semen pasted pubic hair in the shape of a beard. "And they call Bloggers legitimate news sources...Ah, Ha, Haaa! Yeah, right," snorted the reporter, busy posting rumors that Evangeline Lilly of "LOST" was really a transvestite with an 8" surprise.

Most people who have followed Silverman's career since she introduced her Emmy winning song, "I'm F--- Matt Damon," on Kimmel's show agree that it would take more than an Abe Lincoln to get Sarah's panties in a wad.

"First of all, she doesn't wear 'em," said former manager William "Dirty" Sanchez. "Second, she used to do the Abe Lincoln herself on Halloween...while she still had pubic hair, that is. I don't see something as minor as that breaking those two up. It's not like she gave him a Rusty Trombone or something like that. Even though back in the old days, she was really into big band music, if you know what I mean..." Sanchez trailed off with a far-away look in his eyes.

Silverman's publicist, "Dirty" Carl Smith denies the Abe Lincoln rumor as well as others, such as the Cincinnati Bowtie rumor, the Donkey Punch rumor and especially the Angry Dragon myth.

"I've never been able to get that f_cking 'Angry Dragon' to work and I've tried it out on Swamp Donkey's from coast to coast," confessed Dirty Carl. However details are emerging indicating that Kimmel may have became enraged while engaged in the Birmingham Booty Call with Silverman.

According to her publicist the Birmingham Booty Call involves placing a cell phone on vibrate, inserting it into one's partner and making a call to that number. For having her talk dirty to you while you bang her gong, press "1". In this case, someone else apparently answered the phone from Silverman's ass.

Upon recognizing Matt Damon's voice, Kimmel allegedly became furious, gave Sarah the old Angry Pirate and left. Sarah has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor to date, but has been seen around town, "squinting and limping" with a cell phone jammed up her ass. Kimmel has issued no statements at all except to say, "ARRRRG!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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