Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 22 December 2008

image for EastEnders Heather The Subject Of Court Action By George Michael After Crucifying 'Last Christmas' During Tonight's Episode
Heather, played by an elephant

Heather Trott, the horrible, fat EastEnders slug, tonight became the subject of what could be a lengthy court battle with popstar George Michael, after she crucified his Wham song 'Last Christmas' in this evening's episode.

Heather 'sang' the song on the karaoke in the Queen Vic, as an argument raged between Roxy, Shaun, Charlie, Mo, Peggy and Stacey about something or other, but I'm not sure what because it was impossible to stop myself listening to the truly dirge-like warblings of the Fat One.

Married to Minty for fully 5 minutes before he realised she was a grotesque ogre, Heather likes eating food - lots of it.

Mr Michael, real name Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, witnessed the extraordinary rendering of his perennial royalty-winner whilst sitting watching the miserable soap at home in London.

According to his lawyer, Germaine Panathanaikos:

"George was mortified. He realised that, despite the fact that the song is attempted by countless morons at Christmastime, this was too much. He instructed me to issue a writ against the BBC and Heather Trott for the crucifixion of a festive favourite."

Footnote: During the song, which contains the lines:

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away"

(just as you would do if Heather was doing the giving), more than 7million viewers changed channels to ITV1, causing an enormous power surge bigger than the one experienced at the start of the 1966 World Cup Final.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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