Washington, DC - In a report released today from the Department of Transportation (DOT) on the traffic patters of cougars stalking their prey on company time, it found that 9 out 10 females that they surveyed, who claimed that they were having sex in the city, were neither single or city residents but were actually commuting housewives from suburbia. Moreover, sex was the reason given for their commute, not gainful employment, avoiding sexual harassment suits by threatening age and sexual discrimination suits of their own if discovered.
It is estimated that millions of hours are wasted in traffic as a result, not to mention the gas, which could be saved if only those cougars would just stick to hunting down their prey in the confines of their backyard, supermarkets and PTA meetings, concluded the report.
As it was revealed that many of the cougars do not have to work because they are independently wealthy, having the misfortune of previously marrying rich old men with heart conditions and a propensity to die suddenly under mysterious circumstances shortly after setting up joint trust accounts in off shore Cayman Island banks.
"Now they insist on boinking younger more attractive men," said Doug Freeman, a Human Resources Director at a Fortune 500 Company, concurring with the DOT report's controversial findings. "Men who either lack better judgment, are visually impaired or have unresolved mother issues that are best addressed by a trained mental health professional."
Freeman, a self described confirmed straight bachelor, who has made it his personal crusade to warn all the newly recruited attractive young males of all the hazards of the modern workplace environment, especially the office cougar, who stalks her prey at the water cooler.
"That's why they hangout in front of the office water cooler," says Freeman. "It's in their nature to stalk their prey near waterholes; especially with both so desperate to quench their thirst, either are willing to risk life and limb to satisfy a primal urge. It's the circle of life, I suppose. But a circle is really a hole. One I plan to plug up."
Freeman who is currently under going psychotherapy for wearing his mother's clothes also believes that euphemistic term "cougar" for referring to a woman still sexually active over the age of 40 is an actual literal descriptive term, not a literary one.
According to Freeman, sometime during sex with you, women over 40 actually transform into a cougar.
"Only they don't devour your flesh," says Freeman. "They eat your soul. Leaving the carcass of the empty shell of a man that you once were behind for the crows to pick apart into a thousand pieces that is now your life they left behind."
True to form, like the current Bush administration's failure to provide an energy leadership policy for the nation, the DOT report in the end failed to provide any real solutions except to point fingers and assess blame.
