Now that half the Beatles are dead [the wrong half, according to some] fans of the once popular British band have been forced to revise their decades-old plea that the "Fab Four" reunite. Now, the Beatles are increasingly being urged to reanimate.
The surviving Beatles' homes and recording studios were mobbed by fans demanding that John Lennon and George Harrison return from the grave in time for the band's reunion tour. When asked how they propose this be done, members of "Beatles UnDead '08!" said, "That's your problem. Just do it!" Others were more practical: "The Bible says Jesus Christ came back to life. So why can't the Beatles do the same, when by their own admission they're bigger than He was?"
"It wouldn't be the first time a Beatle came back from the dead." said fan Anita Getalife. "In the late 60's Paul was dead. Everyone knew that. The Abbey Road album even said 'Paul is dead' and 'We buried Paul' if you played it backwards, along with fucking up your turntable. And yet here he is today, alive! So why can't John and George do the same?"
But Sir Paul himself said, "Cripes, how daft can you people get? Look here: I was never dead - get over it! Okay, I'll admit the whole 'Paul is dead' thing was my idea. John and I were desperate for a way to hold onto what was left of our rapidly dwindling audience, and it seemed a good idea at the time."
That is probably a reference to the tendency of rock stars to sell far more records after their deaths than before. True, being dead can interfere with performing live, but even this has not stopped Eric Clapton. For Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix and others, "Dying was a great career move."
Yet this has not caused fans to demand that Jimi and Elvis to come back to life. Or at least not Jimi, as Elvis is still alive according to reliable tabloids, so demands for his resurrection make no sense. So why the Beatles?
Experts think Beatles fans may be unduly influenced by American politics. There, dead people can not only vote, especially in Chicago, but can even get elected, as the late Mel Carnahan did to the Senate. Such thinking is monumentally stupid, of course. But whereas in politics stupidity can result in such tragedies as John Ashcroft becoming Attorney General, in music it is harmless though annoying.
Among the annoyed is the other surviving Beatle, Ringo Starr: "To young people today the Beatles are just that band McCartney was in before Wings. Have they any idea how much we would have sucked if we had gotten back together? Obviously not, because they want us to become zombies just to do it. So let's hear no more of this Frankenstein nonsense."
But "Beatles UnDead '08!" are not swayed by what the Beatles themselves think. Especially Starr. Club president Ida Slutt said "What the fuck does he know? The only reason Paul and John hired that bum in the first place was because he was too ugly to steal girls from them, unlike Pete Best. We won't be stopped!" Slutt then further demanded that Stuart Sutcliffe also come back to life, claiming the Beatles were much better as a quintet.
The rival fanclub "Beatles Alive in '05", realizing the difficulties of reanimation, suggested reincarnation as a more practical alternative of restoring the Beatles to life. They believed in it, after all, at least after Maharishi Mahesh Yogi got to them or they took some acid. The Dalai Lama offered to help find out exactly who John and George are in their current lives so the reunion tour can begin.
But more impatient fans instead insisted that Lennon and Harrison be cloned from their exhumed DNA. This was preceeding promisingly until President Bush banned it because neither cloning nor DNA is mentioned in the Bible.
Then came the shocking news that the dead Beatles had contacted psychic Betty Zasucker and announced they no longer wanted to be in the band. As proof, Betty offered new songs from Lennon and Harrison, composed since they started decomposing. John had penned "Imagine I Had Talent [I wonder if you can]" and George wrote "Totally Non-Plagiarized Love Song". When one reporter pointed out that the melody of the latter song was note-for-note identical to "My Boyfriend's Back", a 1963 hit for girlgroup The Angels, Betty winked and said "Same old George!"
Still, others were skeptical. Yet another fanclub, "Fab Four Once More In '04" claimed that George and John actually are still alive. "I read it in the more reliable tabloids." said club President Sid Hartha. "Same ones that told us Elvis faked his own death, and Princess Diana too. Plus, it's like all over the internet, so it's gotta be true, right?"
Just when things seemed about to come to a head, all the fans were stunned by news that the two remaining Beatles were now also dead. Ringo was shot for unknown reasons by a suspect identified by police as Pete Best. As for Sir Paul, apparently all that acid and coke finally caught up with him.
With that, the "reanimate the Beatles" movement seemed to run out of steam. Some of its members turned to more productive goals, such as trying to bring Jim Morrison back to life so The Doors can reunite.
