Flabby-arsed Latino pop tart and part-time movie ruiner Jeniffer 'Love' Lopez was formerly an insurance clerk called Raymond Stuge it was revealed today.
The post-op pap prince/ess, famous for such turgid funeral classics as 'Will I Fit Through There' and 'Even Wider Load', gave an expected shock confession on Channel 4's uncontroversial chat show 'Under Thatched Roof' hosted by the new disintegrating face of Alzheimers, Margaret Thatcher.
In her previous incarnation, Stuge had struggled coming to terms with his inner talentless diva and ex-workmates recall him attempting to choreograph a thirteen person strong 'street dance' routine in meetings, often becoming irate at colleagues' inability to twirl-pivot-twirl.
We spoke to hair-lipped homophobe and insurance firebrand Neil St. Clementine about Stuge's workplace tomfoolery;
'Raymond was always an oddball. He would come to work wearing a wax fur coat made of leather. One time he bought a mannequin in with a picture of semi-retarded beef clown Ben Affleck's face stapled to it, and introduced him to all of us as his co-star in multi dollar grossing life stealer 'Maid In 2 Hours In Manhattan'. He would also tie bags of pebbles to his feet and was forever making us look at the number of rocks he had got'
Lopez, or 'J-Lo' as people who don't have enough time to say her whole name call her, broke down in tears live on the semi-prime time TV show yesterday. Thatcher, who had already fallen asleep twice and needed covertly prodding with a specially sharpened toothbrush on a pole appeared to try to lick the tears from Jennifer's face before co-workers broke up the peculiar melee.
In a cruel, yet highly amusing twist of fete, former Hollywood 'twat-pack' star Affleck had been dubbing the voice of incoherent zombie Thatcher on the show. He even went so far as to simulate the slurping of tears and was spotted by a young village idiot looking uber smug on his way back home to his YMCA hostel room.
Channel 4 will not be airing the dusty show due to legal technicalities but stated that they 'appreciated Miss Lopez's frank and movingly contrived confession and publicly apologise for Mrs Thatcher's confused and insensitive actions.' A spokesman for the channel claimed the former tyrant had become confused as to Lopez's identity and needed her tears as a source of fuel.
Purile trivia website youtube are said to be showing the whole tawdry affair.
