Nielsen Ratings to Triple Number of Homes and Announces Application Process

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Thursday, 27 September 2007

image for Nielsen Ratings to Triple Number of Homes and Announces Application Process
Help decide which shows stay on the air; be a Neilsen family!

The Neilsen Ratings, television's in house system for determining how many people are watching a particular show, have announced plans for expanding. "We want to triple our family base to get an even more accurate picture of people's television viewing habits," said Marcus Neilsen, grandson of the founder.

For years, a group of about 12,000 homes have determined which shows are renewed and which are cancelled. These people have been responsible for having the favorite shows of millions removed from the air while shows like The King of Queens stays on the air for years.

If you would like to be a Nielsen family and help rate television programs, there is an application process. Prospective raters must be at least 50 pounds overweight (and willing to expand), watch at least twelve hours of television per day, enjoy Gilligan's Island reruns, eat all of their meals in front of the set, be able to channel surf at the rate of six clicks per second, never watch any original programming or documentaries on any educational station, think Gary Coleman is funny, yell at the contestants in game shows, pray for their team's success when watching games on ESPN Classic, be described as your friends as "slow," have nothing further than a high school education, and laugh at fart jokes.

Interested persons will recognize that their only form of payment will be having their cable television paid for by the Neilsen company.

If you are interested, apply on-line at:

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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