Ex-AT&T CEO Whitacre mocks employees at layoff party

Funny story written by The Chronek

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

image for Ex-AT&T CEO Whitacre mocks employees at layoff party
Ed Whitacre/AT&T

Former AT&T CEO Ed Whitacre paid a visit to a Schaumburg, Illinois golf clubhouse on Tuesday to mooch drinks from and mock 60 freshly laid-off employees.
Whitacre, who received a $158 million retirement package earlier this year, congratulated the former AT&T technicians, thanking them for their hard work and dedication.
"It's because of your sacrifice that I can buy that new Bentley," Whitacre said as the workers uncomfortably tried to get away from him. "Thanks to cutting your jobs, the new AT&T will continue to remain strong and profitable."
Several workers muttered curses at Whitacre, wondering aloud why the AT&T board of directors voted him such a large retirement package despite stockholders voting very much against such a large amount.
"SIC!" Whitacre exclaimed, jumping atop a golf cart. "I'M REEYOTCH, BEEYOTCH!"
The Spoof's Chronek was able to catch a few words with Whitacre after he'd calmed down.
"During my retirement, I've been working on my golf game and catching up on the Dave Chappelle show," he said. Walking away from a number of black workers, he continued, "Dave is my main man, bro."
He walked back toward the employees, then found another black man, demanding that he be his caddy for the day. "I worked in IT," the former employee answered, spitting at Whitacre's feet.
Later in the day, several former employees cornered Whitacre, demanding accountability, honesty and delivery on management promises to get these employees jobs elsewhere within the company.
The day ended tragically when Whitacre laughed hysterically, only to be pummeled with 42 nine-irons.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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