Guitar Hero fails to become guitar hero

Funny story written by Jamie Lewis

Thursday, 20 September 2007

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(Ithaca, NY) In an incident that has been echoed around the world, a fan of the popular Red Octane video game "Guitar Hero" has singularly failed to translate his ability to rhythmically stab at a cheap plastic guitar-shaped peripheral into an ability to play the actual instrument.

"I never thought I'd be any good as a musician," said Ithaca resident Brent Riley yesterday. "But after finishing both Guitar Hero games with five star ratings on all the songs and unlocking all the hidden features, I figured it was time to rock for real!"

Emboldened by his success at the game, Riley decided to purchase an electric guitar and amplifier three months ago. Perhaps inspired by the feel and cost of the game's controller, he purchased a $200 starter guitar pack from online retailer Musicians' Friend and started to play.

"At first I was disappointed," said Riley, "'coz the wicked riffs and sparks from the game singularly failed to appear."

Further disappointment set in when the "crowd", made up of his on/off again girlfriend Samantha and two of his friends from work failed to cheer or boo but instead made their excuses and left the house.

"There wasn't even one of those little meters on the amp," complained Riley.

Riley went to a local music store to purchase the missing piece of equipment, assuming it was the key to his singular lack of talent. Local non-game playing musician and store clerk, Dave Wilkes, says Riley's experience is not unusual.

"We get about ten of these Playstation muppets in a week," explained Wilkes. "Initially, we tried to tell them that it took years to master an instrument and that they should seriously consider taking lessons. Now we just flog any old shit to these idiots. I shifted thirteen BC Rich's last week that even CC DeVille wouldn't wipe his ass on."

His co-worker, Slug, agreed that the gap between the gamers and reality is broad:

"I sold some mouth-breather a rack-mounted effects system for three grand last week and told him it was what he needed to make the strings change color. I bet he's still trying to figure out where the auto-fire button on it is."

Despite playing as the Grim Ripper in the game, Riley's current real life guitar playing ability ranked somewhere below that of Madonna's.

"I didn't realize my fingers would hurt," said Riley as he stood in line to apply for a masters degree from Juilliard based on his high score at Dance Dance Revolution.

In related news, yet another $9000 Gibson Le Grande that would've sounded like liquid gold in the hands of a talented 15 year old was purchased yesterday by some yuppie twat who will hang it on his wall and never play it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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