I Make Dead People

Written by david alsatian

Monday, 10 September 2007

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TROUBLED Sixth Sense kid Cole Sear last night stunned friends and family by revealing he has been taking part in bare-knuckle boxing bouts since the age of 10.

Sear has made millions from his innocent looks but beneath that baby face lies a cold-blooded sociopath who's more interested in making dead people than seeing them.

The former child, now 19, told a supermarket tabloid how chum Dr. Malcolm Crowe introduced him to the blood-thirsty sport during 1998.

Sear took to animalistic combat like a duck to water and has since gone on to win over 150 illegal child fights. He said: "Crowe got drunk one day and told me he wanted to take me for a ride in his Ferrari. He took me to a barn on the outskirts of Los Angeles and when we got inside there was a drunken mob forming a circle.

"Malcolm pushed me inside the circle and this punk kid starting taking shots at me. I wasn't having any of that so I set about him. The crowd loved it and they howled for blood as we knocked fuck out of each other.

"Eventually, I floored the other kid with a rabbit punch to the windpipe and was declared victor. Dr Crowe carried me out on his shoulders - he was so proud. I later learned he had bet $100,000 on me and used the winnings to buy more white Armani vests."

Sear chalked up 20 more victories but had to lay low for a while after putting one of his opponents in a coma. He said: "Things got a bit nasty as we were allowed a choice of weapons. I opted for a cosh and smacked the other kid right in the puss. He wasn't getting up after that one.

"Luckily, he was an orphan, so nobody kicked up any shit about it. Dr Crowe told me to stay away from the ring for a while and I was lucky as the part in AI came up right after that.

"I managed to stay out of trouble since then - even though I felt like giving that smug bastard Jude Law a right good seeing to."

Sear used that pent-up aggression to great effect as he made a triumphant return to bare-knuckle boxing. He said: "It was great to be back in the ring. Seeing that fear in a homeless child's eyes as he fights for his lunch never leaves you.

"I was doing it for fun but most of my opponents were fighting to make a living. You'd think they'd have the edge but my superior diet and personal fitness programme kept me on top. Nobody could touch me."

However, Sear's ring career has been put on hold since his arrest for drink driving last year.
He said: "I don't want to do anything to jeopardise my suspended sentence. Boxing has also lost some its appeal now. It was much more fun when I was younger."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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