Lindsay Lohan Gets Full Cavity Search, Twice

Funny story written by Johnny Ovaltine

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

image for Lindsay Lohan Gets Full Cavity Search, Twice
The New and Improved 2-Finger Search Method

Luscious Lindsay was busted drag racing in Santa Monica early Tuesday morning after leaving a Bondage S&M club with some friends. The young and busty actress had a sudden feeling for the flavor of a Pringles and they all decided to go to the Kwik E Mart for a canister of that delicious potato treat.

Apparently her competitive personality got the best of her when she decided to pit her Chevy Vega against her girlfriends Ford Pinto. In a scene reminiscent of the blockbuster movie, "The Slow and The Stupid, Tokyo Nip-Slip," they raced down the boulevard. Lohan was finally apprehended because she couldn't snort coke, drink beer, smoke a cigarette and change gears while accelerating.

"I knew the cops where there all along. I had called them when I was in the lead so they could catch Paris but my plan back-fired when I fell behind. It was the damn iphone… I have two-way calling and I was trying to get another incoming call when I dropped my cocaine-laced Blount in my lap. Of course, I used my beer to put the fire in my crotch out. Do you think I should go with blue tooth?"

Swedish Police Officer Hans Wayupayurass was the first on the scene and provided a full cavity search. "I didn't find anything suspicious in there but I got a nasty rash from her razor stubble… Oh, and she had a little baggie of coke in her pants too. If you'll excuse me, I have to sanitize my hands. I've got dingle berries under my nails." After the initial search, the shift Sergeant 'Big Moe' Lester administered the latest technology in breathalyzers, the tongue kiss.

"After I sucked on her face for a while I knew that she had been drinking." When asked what gave it away the Sergeant explained, "It wasn't the breath; it was the bit of olive that she regurgitated into my mouth that tasted like a Cosmopolitan Martini. I really like those. That's why I recognized the flavor right away."

At the station the pop actress was deloused, hosed down and submitted to another 'no-holes barred' cavity search. "I'm used to it," she said, "They do it to me in rehab all the time after they administer the Methadone." The subsequent search yielded an eighth of Chronic in her sock. Lohan told questioning officers that Paris said they only had dirt weed when she was on lock-down so always be prepared.

"Lohan has been in and out of clinics almost as much as she's been in and out of court," joked her manager, "It's all just a big publicity stunt, including the car accident several weeks ago. It's for a role that she's thrown herself into for her new movie, Drunken Miss Daisey." She posted her $25,000.00 bond from the chump-change found in her Hello Kitty change purse.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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