Winona Ryder Finally Answers Questions On Shoplifting Incident

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

image for Winona Ryder Finally Answers Questions On Shoplifting Incident
Part of the original "haul" in 2001.

Actress Winona Ryder has finally come clean and opened up to reporters on her famous December, 2001 shoplifting incident at a California Sak's Fifth Avenue. Speaking from a press room at the Beverly Hills Hilton, Winona offered the following statement.

"When I did this, I was on pain medication for a broken arm and really was not fully aware of my actions. I know understand that this is okay in modern Hollywood and that I can further my career by going into rehab all over again because of it."

"Paris Hilton does her DWIs and jail and gets more movie rolls. Britney Spears does her DWIs and is soon to get jail time and gets more movie rolls. Britney Spears does everything under the sun and gets more music recording contracts. Lindsay Lohan does everything and everyone and does rehab and gets all the acting jobs she wants."

"Out of that entire batch, I'm the only one who is an Oscar nominated actress, so I ought to be able to get away with a lot more crap!"

When asked if she planned on doing a Britney and flashing her privates at everyone, Winona responded with "you saw me in my bra in Heathers. Isn't that enough?"

When asked which act of indescretion she planned on committing first, she answered with: "I don't know...where's Justin Timberlake?"

When asked if she planned on getting a DWI, she replied: "Oh, way more than one! And I look a lot better than Paris in that orange jumpsuit, because I've actually got a rack upstairs!"

In a non-related incident, the Beverly Hills Hilton did report to local police that a maid's cart full of towels, Gideon Bibles, and those little bars of soap was missing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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