New Harry Potter Film To Be Given Tokyo Premiere

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

image for New Harry Potter Film To Be Given Tokyo Premiere
Coloured potion

Tokyo is to host the world premiere of the fifth, and hopefully last, in the series of Harry Potter film extravaganzas, The Orders Of Pat Phoenix, on June 28. The city, which is in Japan, was chosen after Spiderman 3 opened there, and wowed those Nippy, empirical little fellows.

The film again stars Daniel Radcliffe as Harry, now aged 33, who meets Pat played by Rita Fairclough, 'somewhere in Northern England'. The two form an uneasy alliance as she employs Harry as a shelfstacker in her grotty corner shop. Other mundane characters come and go amongst endless idle chit-chat.

Much of the movie takes place in a pub called the Rotters Regurge, where local emptyheads gather to vent their spleens and consume unhealthy amounts of 'coloured potion'.

When Pat declares that she is "famished", pub landlord Bet Stench tells her there is no food available as the chef has died "of boredom". On 'the orders of Pat Phoenix', our hero Harry saves the day by using his magic powers to turn some potatoes, carrots and "meat" into an appetising Lancashire Hot Pot, which Pat devours with a gin and tonic, her usual tipple.

The film is a departure from the tried and tested Potter formula, but it's thought that the gritty, northern comedic element will appeal to a wider audience. The film will be serialised and shown on TV every night since 1960.

One of the movie's extras, Jack Duckworth, said:

"Don't tell our Vera!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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