Is the radio tuner stuck again? Can you not hear the usual 1990s indie pop you tune in for? Is it Radio 4? This ten-point guide will soon show you either way.
1) At some point, you will hear TV presenter Lucy Worsley talking about a dead queen.
2) There will be a short documentary about a small group in Worthing who now sing Gregorian Chants on a Saturday afternoon. The next week's programme in the same slot will be about the long-forgotten art of playing the Norwegian nose flute.
3) That nice vicar from the television will be voicing his opinion.
4) You will hear the shipping forecast sometime in the next two hours.
5) An actor will be interviewed, talking about the difficulties of portraying someone else with their own truth and integrity.
6) What is your favourite cat? What does it say about you? Yes, that is the programme you will be listening to.
7) Is it The Archers? It must be either cricket or the Pantomime.
8) Is it 6.30 in the evening? You must be listening to a groundbreaking, epoch-changing comedy written and performed by an Oxbridge graduate who went to the same primary school as the controller's children.
9) The news will not be about the types of things that the Daily Mail writes about, and you will be secretly happy about that.
10) You find it reassuring, and you are ready for the comforts of old age that listening to Radio Four always brings. Daddio.
