SAN ANTONIO – (Satire News) – The San Antonio City Council has just received the damage estimates that the 1,000 year-old Great Texas Snowstorm of 2021 recently inflicted to the 185-year-old historical Alamo.
The historical mission was the site where, back in 1836, a band of 186 volunteers defended the church/fortress against an army led by 4-star General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana Fernandez Figaro Fillmore Jr, that numbered over 42,000 troops, including a musical military band that was comprised of 93 drummers, 77 buglers, a harpist, three accordion players, and 13 maracas players.
The entire garrison was massacred, but they did win the very first point spread in U.S. history of American betting.
According to noted Texas historian, Bobby "Buck" Buckaroo, the army from Mexico was supposed to have traveled by covered wagons from Cancun, Mexico to Corpus Christi, Texas, and then from there catch ships to Houston, so that they could engage General Sam The Sham Houston’s Texas army.
But a category 6 hurricane hit, and Hurricane Selena threw the ships off course, and they ended up landing in San Antonio, home of the NBA Spurs, headquarters of Whataburger, and home of the biggest Jalapeno Ranch in the Northern Hemisphere (Rancho Muy Caliente).
And so now, the Damage Estimating Firm of Lollapini & Lipowitz, of Passaic, New Jersey, has informed the mayor of San Antonio that the cost to totally repair the Alamo will be close to $37 million.
The mayor will put the motion before the voters of San Antonio to decide if they want to bear the cost or not.
The city’s sheriff has remarked that if the motion to repair the Alamo is voted down, then the two centuries-old structure will be demolished, and the lumber and bricks will be sold to the city of Tijuana, Mexico.