We are thrilled to have a guest editorial from director Quentin Tarantino, director of Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction, and other three-hour talkfests. In a Spoof exclusive, Tarantino talks about his exciting remake of Jaws, followed by an exclusive excerpt from the film itself!
Hi, this is Quentin Tarantino here. I’m sure you remember me as the star of Girl 6, Spike Lee’s greatest film. Like Black Klansman was okay, but if I had played one of the bad guys, it would have made a lot more money. I left a message for Spike Lee asking if I could play the part of David Duke, but he won’t return my phone calls. Fuck him, anyway. Like, he’s always at Knicks games. If I was at a sporting event, it’d be something really badass and cool, like an MMA event or something.
I was also the host of “Quentin Tarantino’s Retro Cinema,” which was on VHS a few years ago. I introduced movies like Luigi Cozzilla’s House by the Street Near the Park with the House in it. Which is an old Italian murder movie which isn’t even one of Cozilla’s best films but they had the rights to it so that’s what they went with. The star of the movie was a woman who wasn’t very famous but she was a supporting character on The Young and the Restless in the seventies. That movie was supposed to be her big comeback but the food on Italian sets is so bad she actually died of food poisoning, which is too bad. We also put out Big Monkey Fever, which was supposed to be this crazy Hong Kong movie, kind of like King Kong with disco music, but they it turned out they paid for the wrong movie. It turned out to be some old TV footage of monkeys running around and doing their mating rituals, so it was kind of an embarrassment for the company. No one would rent their videos after that. But then we got DVD which is really cool, and now they have Blu Ray.
Can you imagine if we didn’t have home video? You’d have to go out and talk to people and stuff. Which I can totally do. But it can be a pain in the ass and stuff like if you’re a big celebrity people will bother you. I was in the McDonald’s the other day and they forgot to put the fuckin’ pickles on the Big Mac and I was like, where’s my fuckin’ pickles. And this little white ho was all like, I’m sorry sir, I’ll bring you some fuckin’ pickles. And I was all like, No, bitch, you don’t fuckin’ understand. Like that, you know? And I said, I’m Quentin Tarantino, and when I ask for pickles I expect to get pickles. And she was all like, I better get the manager, I’m only fifteen years old and this is my first day. And I’m like, yeah, you better get the fuckin’ manager, if this restaurant was a movie I was directing you’d already be fucking fired. And the manager said, here are your fucking pickles, sir. All polite like that, ‘cause he was scared of me ‘cause he knew I was ready to bring the motherfuckin’ noise. I’ve got a posse, see.
Some of you are sayin’ why is Quentin Tarantino here? He’s old and he’s kind of fat. Sort of looks like Michael Moore. Well, fuck you, because I made Jackie Brown. None of you fuckers made that shit. Elmore Leonard might have wrote the book, but he didn’t make the movie. Only Quentin Tarantino can do that.
Like, Donald Trump sucks but I could make a movie about him. I could play Trump too. Like, if you see his movies they’re not so great. I think he was in Ghostbusters 2 and that’s maybe the best one. But it’s not as great as Gremlins 2. They could have made a Goonies 2 but I’m glad they didn’t. ‘Cause it could never be the classic that Gremlins 2 was. If the ghostbusters had met the gremlins it might have been okay but they would have to do it like a spaghetti western, with people shooting ghostbusters and blood flying out of their heads and stuff. Maybe Lee Van Cleef would have showed up at the end and kicked a gremlin in the head and he could say something really badass like “Fuck you gremlin,” something like that. Do you know how to say “Fuck you gremlin” in Italian? It’s “Que questo gremlin,” I think, something like that There’s this old Italian western called Fuck You Amigo. It’s pretty good.
We were supposed to run an exclusive script excerpt, but Quentin talked so much, we have to save it for next time. So be sure to come back, motherfuckers!