Written by Loz Charles

Monday, 28 January 2019

Exclusive today, we come to you with a report that Daniel Craig, known for his portrayal of Bond, has recently made sweeping changes to his entire life.

“I can’t understand it” reported his wife Rachel Weisz. “Before now, he has always had two sugars. Suddenly, I am facing multiple requests for one sugar, which is upsetting the tea-making part of our lives. What he doesn’t realise, is that I am the one responsible for kettles, teapots, milk and sugar. Tea used to be a part of our lives, and now I have nothing!”

Mrs Weisz, who married Bond in 2011, has been taken into protective care following the tragic revelations.

“We are doing everything we can” an MI6 representative has said. “Mr Bond is particularly resistant to advice. We have sent agents to the house, and covert Russian operatives are abseiling down his chimney as we speak.”

For the present, the whereabouts of the sugar pot, tea-making equipment, and Mr Craig are unknown. Several decorative silver teaspoons have also vanished. M has commented that this is not the first time Bond has gone rogue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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