"Gold Pooter" Features Halle Barry as First Female Bond

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Tuesday, 18 July 2017


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Dr. Who is now being played by a female, are 007 fans ready for Jamirah Bond?

"The name's Bond--Jamirah Bond."

You've read that right, the next 007 to hit the big screens in Gold Pooter is a female.

Adding to the shock of the new female Bond is the fact that American actor Halle Barry will play the lead role.

Bond fans and the blogosphere erupted in outrage that a British actor did not land the part, but director Christopher Nolan says there were few actors to pick from whom he thought were suitable for the role.

"My other top picks were Jennifer Garner and Kate Beckinsale but they were both booked through the summer for Super Hero Mutant Apocalypse. Halle was available and she's as good as it gets."

Though the franchise is over the top with action, critics say the characters tend to be a bit stodgy. Halle Barry's Bond will be the best shake-up to the franchise since the casting of Craig Daniel as 007.

Naysayers claim Barry is too old and the fact that she played a Bond girl in Die Another Day might be confusing to audiences.

Barry, well aware of the shoes she's stepping into, talked to Entertainment Today about Gold Pooter.

"Well first I read an incredible script and that sealed it for me. And to have a chance to be the first female Bond. Female heroines and super-heroines are really coming into their own--look at the success of Wonder Woman and Dr. Who. It's almost 2020 and Bond fans are ready to take a leap, though I don't think it's a huge one for the fans: the franchise has always been futuristic in its vision of hi-tech and female characters."

Barry will not affect an accent for her portrayal of 007, as she explained.

"People are asking if I'm doing an English accent for the character and in a few scenes Jamirah does use various accents when it facilitates whatever scheme she's concocted. Otherwise it's US English, Chris [Nolan] and I decided though she was solidly English, a Brockenhurst girl, there were things in Jamirah's background, like her parents work for Her Majesty's Diplomatic Service that led to her going to school for linguistics in the US. So she's fluid and fluent in many languages and regional dialects, that's just part of what makes her 007 material."

In the new film the evil forces of Spankter have surreptitiously photographed 007's perfect derriere to make into a weapon. Spankter then used 3D processing to project a nude hologram of it in Times Square where the intense beauty of the projection caused hundreds of people to start babbling and forget who they were for up to a month, and in some cases, permanently. With the only antidote to Spankter's weapon of mass confusion being brain damaging video of Ann Coulter, Bond must race to prevent the final attack on world leaders at a G20 summit in Tokyo.

Rated PG14, action/violence and partial nudity

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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