Written by Mitchell Mulkey

Saturday, 30 December 2017

Christmas has now come and gone. The year is wrapping up and many people across the nation are getting ready for their end of the year celebrations. 2017 was a year that many wish they could forget, and well, what better way to forget about what is really going on in the world right now, than to take a look into the fictional world of other people's everyday lives. Every week night from 8-11pm people cozy up next to their friends and family for some television. In the "primetime" of television three major networks really shine above the others in terms of ratings, views, and general awfulness. Those are ABC, NBC, and CBS. This year these three networks are battling it out for an award that honestly means much more than an Emmy, the award for the Worst Primetime Line-Up of 2017.

The current award holder, and has been the award holder for years is the CBS company. "This year we wanted to make ourselves untouchable." Says Leslie Moonves, current president of the CBS Company. And they certainly did stack up the shit in this years primetime. Not only by continuing The Big Bang Theory for yet another god awful season, but by even furthering it with an offshoot of the most insufferable, and yet fan favorite, character in the show with Young Sheldon. Not to mention having 1/3rd of the main cast of friends, a Kevin James star vehicle, and two seasons of reality TV involving disgusting controversy. "I mean can you say 'Bazinga'" Moonves torts.

NBC came in hot with a show that is literally Plinko the TV show, however with too many good seasons of television programming, plus an actually good season of SNL (I know its not primetime but close enough). NBC doesn't look to be much of a contender this year.

ABC comes in relatively close to touching CBS however. This year they saw the final season of Tim "Not a liberal snowflake" Allen's horrendous sitcom "Last Man Standing", supposedly being cancelled for offending too many liberals and not the glaringly bad review and Nielsen ratings. It also had the premiere of Marvel's absolute worst effort since Daredevil or Spiderman 3, The Toy Box where the winner gets their toy on the shelves on the dying "Toys R' Us" company, and a season of Dancing with the Stars that wasn't too bad but I'm still pissed about Frankie Muniz not winning.

Overall this year it is a really close competition and we'll just have to see how these last couple of days pan out. It's safe to say however that we had a very bad year in television, and here's to hoping an even worse year in 2018.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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