Written by Matt Greenberg

Saturday, 21 February 2015

In a rare blending of prime time reality television and traditional samurai philosophy, ABC announced this season of "The Bachelor" will have a special surprise at the end of each episode.

While the show's traditional send off to ladies not chosen was the absence of a rose at the rose ceremony, this season, ladies who miss the mark will be directed to a carpeted section of the studio to perform Seppuku, a form of Japanese ritual suicide.

"We're really excited about this season's surprise arc," said show creator Mike Fleiss, "being able to include part of the samurai bushido honor code into our programming is really ground breaking and we couldn't be happier."

Contestant Maria Leville, a hairstylist from Nashville, TN, weighed in on the big announcement, "I'm, like, totally excited for this. What a crazy way to end the episode, right!?"

Contestant Jennifer Tally, a magician's assistant from Tenafly, NJ, also pointed out, "normally we, like, just pull each other's hair or kick or bite, but to actually be like…killed if he doesn't like us….O-M-G, right?!"

Producers are expecting record ratings following the announcement but acknowledged they have received mail from community organizations concerned that broadcasting "ritual suicide by disembowelment" may be too intense for children.

All in all, this season of the Bachelor is gearing to be full of laughs, cries and maybe some screams!

Lawyers for ABC couldn't be reached for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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