"King of Queens" star Leah Remini has fully recanted all the negative statements she recently made on A&E's "Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath", a program that criticized the religion for being devious, highly secretive and violent towards its members.
"Despite what I've recently said about Scientology on the A&E Network," a disheveled Miss Remini said in a robot-like manner at a hastily arranged press conference. "..I now fully support the religion, and sincerely apologize to anyone in Scientology I may have offended via my despicable behavior. And furthermore," she added, "Scientology is a caring organization, and I hope the Church will take me back into their warm and genuine embrace."
"We are so very, very happy to have Leah Remini back into the loving fold of the Scientology family," said David Miscavige, the leader of the Church. "And by 'coming home', he added while updating Leah's 'Subversion File'. "Miss Remini will once again be equipped to spread joy, peace and harmony throughout the world, and if anyone remotely disagrees with me about that, I'll have my church lawyers, private investigators and bodyguards turn their lives into a living hell."
"And furthermore," Mr. Miscavige asserted while recalibrating an E-Meter with an Amazon Echo. "As a fallen Scientologist returning to the Church, Miss Remini will re-undergo 'auditing' to once again be declared 'clear', making her privy to the 'true nature' of the church's founder, Xenu, the Dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" - all for about $100 thousand dollars."
And finally," Mr. Miscavige added, "..as far as the discarded hypodermic needle found in the vicinity of her Miss Remini's press conference is concerned, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
Mr. Miscavige was referring to a used syringe (right) found feet away from where Miss Remini was delivering her apology to Scientology. A man was seen discarding the needle by numerous eyewitnesses, and was later identified as Keith Rhodes from Laredo, TX, a drifter and 'Public Relations Consultant' for the Church of Scientology.
"I was hired by Scientology to provide emotional support to Leah Remini while the bitch fessed-up to whatever the hell she did, and nothing more," Mr. Rhodes said while making sure everyone knew he had a handgun packed into his belt. And when directly asked by Spoofeteria if he deliberately injected Miss Remini with a drug to induce her apology to the Church, he added "If you guys ever ask me that question again, I'll kill you all."
Tom Cruise, a devout Scientologist, also weighed in on Leah Remini's return to the Church.
"It's awesome, man! Wow!" the actor roared while looking like he was being prodded in every orifice aboard an alien spaceship. "And where am I, by the way? L. Ron? Can you hear me?" I cab hear you. Constantly."
Afterwards, Mr. Cruise, with a look in his eyes that proved he not only 'drank the Kool-Aid' but took a bath in it as well, went on to say, "And check it out, man. I just learned I can use my E-Meter to boost my stereo system, jump start my car and get free HBO. Yes!"
Further praise for Leah Remini's return to the Church was expressed by longtime Scientologist John Travolta.
"I'm very please that Leah has come home," he said while seated at the controls of his Boeing 707. "And after she serves her two-year sentence of scraping barnacles off a SeaOrg ship for denouncing Scientology, I'm going to get her on my plane and fly her to the Galactic Confederacy in outer space to help me do battle with the evil warrior, Xenu.
But first," Mr. Travolta added, ""I've got to get NASA to develop the 500 solid rocket boosters the plane will need to get us to our destination."
The actor was referring to a core belief of Scientology that claims 75 million years ago, Xenu, an evil dictator from the Galactic Confederacy, brought billions of his people to Earth in DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them with hydrogen bombs, producing immortal evil spirits called "thetans" that adhere to humans and cause them spiritual harm.
"And here's another thing," Mr. Travolta went on to say. "Once Leah and I arrive at the Galactic Confederacy, we're going to, as dictated by our faith, produce billions and billions of "space children" to help Scientology retake the celestial battle-ground. And I know what your thinking," the actor added. "How in the heck am I going to afford diapers for billions of kids? Not a problem. I already worked out a bulk deal purchase from Pampers. Smart thinking, eh?
And if I could just mention," Mr. Travolta concluded while pre-setting deep space coordinates, "I'm going to be stopping buy a Home Depot before my space voyage to pick up all the drywall I can get into the cargo area of my 707, because as technologically advanced as the Galactic Confederacy is, it just can't seem to manufacture lightweight and durable sheetrock. So going to the Home Depot makes perfect sense, right?"
When approached, Leah Remini had plenty to say about her ongoing ordeal with the Church of Scientology, but her comments were drowned out by the sounds of barnacle scraping.