Emmanuel Lewis, the star of the 1980s sitcom "Webster", was awarded the distinguished 'Dignity Prize' in Los Angeles last night by the National Academy of Self-Esteem, a rare honor bestowed upon former celebrities who have never appeared in a shameful media project in a pathetic attempt to jumpstart their long-dead Hollywood careers.
"I feel very special," Mr. Lewis said while on the phone turning down an offer from Ryan Seacrest to star in 'Emmanuelicious'. "And I want to thank the National Academy of Self-Esteem for this super-duper award..
And what I truly like about getting this honor," the now 45 year-old added after turning down another offer from Simon Cowell to star in "Webster Revisited: Short, Fat & Broke", "..is that the award statue is really cool."
And that it is, with five 'shooting stars' emanating from its base, recognizing 'honesty', 'humility', discipline', 'modesty' and 'virtue' to its recipient - all positive attributes noticeably absent from today's deluge of former child stars seeking to insidiously recoup a morsel of their former two-bit fame.
"And if I can say one more thing," Mr. Lewis said while turning down yet another offer from Mark Burnett to star in "My Half-Pint Life", "..I've accepted my'Self-Dignity Award' on behalf of other former child stars who have not prostituted their long-ago celebrity, such as Judd Nelson, Cindy Williams and Mike Lookinland who played 'Bobby' in 'The Brady Bunch' - and surely not in the name of a cheap sell-out like Lindsay Lohan."
"I've never been a 'cheap sell-out'!" Miss Lohan fired back while filming her new reality show, 'I've Been Snatched!' "..so Emmanuel Lewis better watch his step. And furthermore," she added while slipping into a thong for the 'girlfriend swapping' scene of her show, "..every former kid celebrity eventually whores-out their former fame, so Emmanuel should just shut his big little mouth up and do, I don't know, maybe one of those reality shows with 'little people' in it."
Back in LA, Mr. Lewis was mesmerized by the contents of his 'Self-Dignity Prize' swag bag.
"I can't believe it!" he hollered as he finally shut off his cell phone. "I got 10 Purely Inspired Organic Protein Bars ($100), a lifetime supply of Lizora Pu-erh Tea Nourishing Cream ($2500), a year's worth of Audi car rentals from Brentwood Audi ($45,000), 5 personalized Cesar Millan Dog Training Lessons ($15000), three treatments from Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery ($20,000) - and I've only skimmed the top of the bag!"
"Are you ****ing kidding me?" Miss Lohan responded upon learning of what was in Mr. Lewis's swag bag. "All that swag for laying low? Well, at least it's not all bad," she conceded while holding a chastity belt and a can of whip cream'. "..because Emmanuel can use that $20,000 thousand dollar voucher from Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery to stretch him out into a normal human being."
And with that, Miss Lohan put her chastity belt and whip cream to use by..well..you can let your imagination take it from there.