'D-List' Stars Seek An Expanded Celebrity Rating System

Written by Dante Liberatore

Wednesday, 27 September 2017


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'D-List' celebrities gathered in Hollywood yesterday to support the broadening of the Celebrity Rating System by having a '+' or '-' following their designated category to further pinpoint their level of intelligence, talent and fame.

​​And leading the battle-cry for change in front of the Hollywood Celebrity Ratings Association Office in downtown Los Angeles was Paris Hilton, a solid D-Lister since birth - and a woman firmly behind the cause. 

"Putting a little 'plus' next to my 'D List' rating can easily put me into Andy Dick co-starring territory. And aside from that," the celebutante added, "..being a part of this democratic event has given me half a mind to question our stupid Bill of Rights, especially that dumb thing about "arming bears." 
Child star Corey Feldman was also in attendance to support a Tinseltown rating change.  

"It's a totally rad idea," he said while sporting a Michael Jackson-like hair extension he's been unable to remove since 1987.

"And being upgraded to a D+ celebrity gives me a shot at being on the cover of Us Magazine, that or a gig as a host of an infomercial for penis enlargement pills."

Natalie Suleman, better know as the Octomom for giving birth the 8 children at once, was also on the picket line.

"I strongly support the ratings expansion," the D-List breeder said while giving birth to an additional sextuplets next to fire hydrant. "Because it'll mean the 188 more children I plan to have by 2035 will be automatically born as D+ stars as well".

​​Danish-Italian sexpot Brigitte Nielsen was also on hand to blend in with the unfortunates stuck in D-List hell.

"The Celebrity Rating System is flawed," she alleged while inflating her breast implants, "..but it really doesn't matter because my upcoming performance in "Rocky VXXXVIII", to be filmed in 2141 in Dubai, will finally make be an A-List star."

​​Fashion model Fabio, utterly sexy, wholly tanned, perfectly chiseled and for some reason the only person on the picket line who had a steady breeze of wind blowing through his hair, also weighed in.  

"Every piece of man candy in LA is automatically labeled a D-Lister," he said while bench pressing Lindsay Lohan. "And that's not fair because my delicious pecks alone should make me a D+ star - a designation that will finally get people to see me in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter: The Movie". 

Carrot Top, emitting enough D-List germs to give a truckload of Lysol a run for its money, was also present in a unique effort to 'not be categorized' at all. 

"I should have never been subjected to the Celebrity Rating System to begin with,"Mr. Top claimed while undergoing another plastic surgery procedure next to a dumpster courtesy of Mobile Facelifts. "..because being a renegade mutant from another far away galaxy gives me the right to be judged by a different set of ratings standards." 

​​Lastly, Z-Lister Flavor Flav, with his head permanently locked in position thanks to a chain pendant so heavy it irreversibly damaged the C3 vertebrae of his neck, firmly supported the celebrity ratings upgrade. 

"Z+?," Mr. Flav stated while rounding up his flock of ho's.  I'll take it because every little bit helps." 

Walter Shapiro, the President of the Hollywood Celebrity Ratings Association, disagreed with Flavor Flav's assessment. 

"Once a celebrity is thrown into the atrocity of Z-List fame," he said while downgrading Julia Roberts from B- to C+ status, "..it would be akin to placing the Hope Diamond around the neck of Snooki." 

Flavor Flav was quick to respond to Mr. Shapiro's analogy.

"A Z+ celebrity rating is the bomb, fool. So you tell that heathen cracker bitch Walter Shapiro that the Flav is gonna put a cap in his ass." 

As of the writing of this article, the Hollywood Celebrity Ratings Association has refused to alter its current grading policy, and has further downgraded Fabio to D- status for his performance in "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter: The Movie".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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