Hollywood, Calif. - Sam Razzmatazz, host of "Hot Celebrities We Both Love & Hate", had an expose' on the eee Channel yesterday that exposed a number of tweets Donald Trump punched into his cell phone that were never sent but instead, went by way of the cyberspace junkyard.
Donald Trump's tweeting fixation has put him on the radar of the NSA and the FBI and their records were hacked by a Soviet group who are die-hard fans of the all girl Russian band Pussy Riot, who were sent to prison for two years for running amuck in a cathedral while singing nasty things about Soviet President Vladimir Putin. So we can thank this group named HATERS OF THE BROMANCE BETWEEN THE DONALD AND VLADIMIR for all the lost correspondence that they hacked into and saved for the eee Channel. So here goes next to nothing (with compounded interest) -
* TWEET #1: Thanks all you crazy, violent, anti-social, predatorily maladjusted kids who got caught up in those fist fights in shopping malls throughout the country. What athletes! What American spirit! Where were all of you young buckaroos when I was campaigning?! I would've loved you at one and all of my campaign stops. Talk about some local color! By the way, Uncle Donald takes all the credit for this, for all the havoc and bedlam I've created in the past few years, and all I can say is, LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
* TWEET #2: All I want for Christmas is for John Kasich to lose his two front teeth. Do you know he voted for John McCain for President? I'll never visit his home state of Iowa after Jan. 20, and I won't do him no flavors as he tries to lead the people of the Cornhusker State neither.
* TWEET #3: John, and by John I mean John Kasich, hey John, there's still room in my cabinet. Just say a few nice things about me and let's talk, John. I'm even willing to bump one of the sitting cabinet members to make room for you, John. I need you John. C'mon, what'da'ya'say? To tell you the truth, John, I think I really outdid myself here and as Jan. 20 comes closer and closer, so does that fear factory ever churning in my head. I need at least ONE SOLITARY SOUL in my cabinet that knows a few things about politics John. Please, John, please?!!! Pretty please with gold, silver, platinum and vanilla ice cream on top?
* TWEET #4: I hope John McCain gets a lump of coal for Christmas that's exported from the great county of Taiwan. He wants to sick the federal dogs on me. For an investigation. What? What did I do wrong? Sour grapes, nothing but sour grapes....Oh, Christmas is past? Hey, I must've slept through it. On second thought, I know I didn't. It must've been a white-out or a grey-out. I haven't slept a wink in the past two years. Sleeping is a waste of time. Only wimps like Hillary Clinton take power naps and cat naps. Is New Year's gone too? What day is it? What month? Is it Jan. 20th yet? Don't tell me I missed it!
* TWEET #5: I've gotta come up with some factory that's closing and all the jobs are being shipped to Australia or Bolivia. Hey, here's a plan, I'll invent a shell company, put 3,000 people on the fictitious payroll bankrolled from my charitable foundation, ride into town like Sir Galahad on that crazy Trojan horse of his, and save all those jobs plus bring in 2,000 more. I want to do this before Jan. 19.
* TWEET #5: On second thought, I don't want the Rockettes doing their little dances at my inauguration. They're dogs. I'd rate them two's, three's and four's. The same goes for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I don't know about that big piano with all those pipes coming out of it. How's about some good old timey banjos, dulcimers, gee-tars, and a Moog Synthesizer? Then we'd be cookin' with gas!
* TWEET #6: I want some of those Cleveland Browns on my special operational committee team. It'll be part debating team and part SWAT team. It will replace my cabinet in time. Any team that's willing to lose every game until the last game of the season is a winner in my book. Good things come to those who wait.
* TWEET #7: I have decided that I will take on all media concerns via tweet. There will be no press conferences, only "tweet conferences". I will also tweet for all of my State of the Union Addresses. I will not go overseas to visit foreign dignitaries, but instead, I will tweet. Hey, send me a tweet, I'll send you one back. Maybe. Hey I'll try, and if you've got some money, I'll give you my Paypal account. That's sure to sweeten things up. Make it over a billion, though. I will tweet and tweet and tweet. Here's some classified information for you: The CIA has even dubbed me "TWEETY BIRD" for all secret classified information they pass back and forth. And everyone accuses me of having no sense of humor. Well here's a good one for you, if you don't like me, GO TWEET YOURSELF!!!
* TWEET #8: I am seriously considering changing my skin and hair pigmentation from a bright shade of orange to purple. Hey, it's the '80's! How would a bright, light green look?
* TWEET #9: I like Vladimir because he says nice things about me. You say something nice about me and I'll reciprocate. Some claim this is nothing more than silly sycophancy. I say it's the way titan missiles and wonderful bromances are launched!
* TWEET #10: I'm building uranium mines, copper mines, fracking wells, pipelines, atomic power plants, nuclear fission facilities, rivers that self-pollute themselves just because they want to do so, and medical waste dumps - and that's just in Washington, D.C. All those monuments will be razed for progress!
NOTE: Sam Razzmatazz says some of the tweets were deleted by Trump's family members. Others were deleted by Vladimir Putin via WikiLeaks. Some were deleted by high-ranking federal officials, like the guy from that diabolical federal wing who cost Hillary Clinton the election with a smear campaign just days before voting day. Others were accidentally deleted by Trump himself when he had a hard time working his cell phone. And some were deleted by Sean Hannity and Newt Gingrich. One was even deleted by Trump's pet rhinoceros, Tiny, who accidentally stepped on "The Donald's" cell phone and it broke into a zillion and two pieces. Trump really bullwhipped his pet unmercifully for this little snafu. Poor Tiny. What a misnomer of a name. Tiny is bigger than the biggest schooner in the marina. If he was a whale, well, he'd be a WHALE!