Written by Olivia Romano

Friday, 30 September 2016

NORTH POLE-Child icon and beloved gift-giver Kris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus, has recently been formally charged with elf slavery of the first degree after an anonymous tip lead the FBI to conduct a surprise SWAT investigation of his workshop. After breaking through the christmas tree shaped windows of the workshop, the members of the SWAT team were horrified to find rows of elves shackled to the candy colored tables in the basement of Santa's workshop.

"It was horrifying," commented SWAT team leader Tony Daniels. "There must've been thousands of the little guys in there, all chained up. I never really thought about how much work it takes to make toys for all the kids in the world. I guess I thought that the elves were magic and would speed the process along or something. But after seeing all those starving little guys in there, I wonder how nobody figured it out. The signs were all there."

Winky Badinky, one of the first elves freed from the slavery ring, spoke about the ordeal.

"It was terrible," Winky said with a thousand yard stare. "He made us work days without a break for sleep. And if we messed up a kids toy, he wouldn't let us eat that day."

The SWAT team is still working to liberate all the elves from Santa's workshop. Kris Kringle himself has fled the premises, and is still evading police capture.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Santa

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