Written by Auntie Jean

Saturday, 27 December 2014

image for Santa To Quit Delivering "Junk Mail" After This Year
Direct Marketing

This will be the last year that Santa drops off fake "Competition Winner" letters and furniture advertisements with his presents. Mail firms from warmer shores have undercut Santa's delivery deals by using cheap unregistered labor and offering an all year round service. The surplus 24,000 sleds and 96,000 reindeer will be retired after this year.

Promising new services like T.V. repairs, window cleaning, gutter clearing and roof tile replacement are on offer for Christmas 2015. Talks regarding baby delivery and marital relationship solutions are in the planning stage. Surveillance is already being carried out to order using aerial cameras and is bringing in $2bn per year based on orders for 2015 and 2013 sales figures.

Rolls Royce booster engines have been tested on sleighs satisfactorily and are being re-engineered to run on fairy dust. Santa told our reporter "The junk mail in most cases used to go straight in the trash bins on delivery with the used gift wrapping paper and we were getting through 1000 tons of fairy dust per continent. If you ask me, most of the market has gone to spam e-mailing on the Internet now.

Our reputation regarding customer returns is extremely robust, and coupled with withdrawing deliveries from naughty girls and boys we should be well in the black by 2016. We have a long established brand and return orders are currently at the highest level across the globe. We are considering using direct social media marketing for 2015. Santa's outfit has been re-vamped by Stella Mc.Cartwheel for next year and will incorporate gold instead of silver highlights and a silk base material".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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