Shit City, North Dakota - Celebrity Tom Cruise likes to give back. Having given millions of dollars to homeless men and women throughout Canada and New Zealand, the actor says he now wishes to "deign to condescend to backwoods hicks" and has scheduled a series of appearances "in the heartland" of America. He kicked off his "deign to visit you" tour by speaking to a graduating class in a small town in North Dakota.
"You probably grew up wondering, why did God put me here? What use am I? Who would miss me if I was gone?" Cruise told the 14 students lining the small Shriners stage behind him in folding chairs.
"Well, now you have your answer: so you could see my ass as I give this lame speech," Cruise said.
Cruise then turned around and pelted the graduates with Susan B. Anthony Dollars.
"I got twenty," said a gleeful, bucktoothed hayseed.
Cruise told the students to dream small.
"Don't ask what can I do with my life that will make a difference," he implored the students. "Ask instead, what kind of tedious job performed by a demoralized small town alcoholic can I take over once that poor bastard finally croaks from cirrhosis of the liver."
Cruise told the students "you can do it too" but before that said that he would be cutting his speech short because he had to take a shit.
Cruise was seen minutes later taking a dump through the sun roof of the Principal's Honda.
Cruise will next visit Montana, where he will mock elderly fisherman for being hicks.