Greta Van Susteren finds clarity

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 2 March 2014


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WHITEWASHINGTON, DC - Scientologist and Fox News "hostess with the mostest," Greta Van Susteren cleared the air recently by challenging her male colleagues' belief in the natural superiority of men over women. "Have these idiots lost their minds?" she asked. She said she believed the men want to take away women's right to vote, which she, as a naturally inferior individual, regards as "insane."

The colleagues to whom she refers are "Fox News dudes" Lou Dobbs, Juan Williams, Erick Erickson, and Doug Shoen.

They were responding, Dobbs says, to a recent report that laments the increase in women's earnings. The report points out that, in "four out of ten American households, women earn more than men and wives, not their husbands, are the heads of their families."

"I never said women shouldn't be allowed to vote," Williams clarified. "What I said was, 'Women should 'give head,' not be heads of families."

Erickson contended that the report's findings, like Van Susteren's own "ravings," conflict with Darwinian evolution as it pertains to domestic relations: "Both biology and zoology clearly demonstrate that the male, not the female, is the dominant sex." He said that "BDSM also suggests that men dominate."

Van Susteren countered that "we are not animals--or, at least, we women are not animals; men, on the other hand, are chauvinist pigs."

She said that she blogged her counterargument, such as it is, because her male pigs' colleagues' opinion upset her spiritual equilibrium.

"Scientologists are greatly affected by personal trauma," she explained, "like looking in the mirror, and my E-meter [a device for measuring a person's spiritual state, whatever that means] was way, way over in the red zone!" She needed to "clear" herself, and, to do so, she felt, "I had to clear the air."

In Scientology, she said, "success and accomplishment have nothing to do with sex or gender, and a woman doesn't have to be attractive and submissive to do well in her career--despite the plastic surgery I had to look less hideous, I'm living proof of that. Brains, not beauty, is what makes or breaks a woman in a man's world."

According to her faith, the body, whether male or female, is merely a repository of injury, trauma, and misery, and whether the body is equipped with a "penis or a vagina, or, for that matter, both, doesn't matter one whit."

She admits that sexism is not likely to disappear anytime too soon, but she is glad that she "cleared the air" on her blog, if nowhere else, "because my E-meter's back in the green zone, and all is well again with the world."

Asked about Van Susteren's comments, Dobbs grinned. "How seriously can you take someone who is not only a woman but who also believes, as Scientologists do, that little green men created the universe and that their souls are stuck to her body?"

"For that matter, how seriously can you take somebody who belongs to an organization of which both John Travolta and Tom Cruise are members?" Erickson asked.

"If she wants to get 'clear,'" Williams contended, "she should get clear about her natural place in society: women are just naturally inferior to men. That's just the way it is, in nature and on Fox News."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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