BILLINGSGATE POST: Slim Everdingle, erstwhile husband of former porn-star, Forever Ember Everdingle, was arrested driving 90 miles an hour on Sunset Boulevard early Sunday morning. Cited for driving having "no visible hands on the steering wheel" by Officer Duran Undercuff of the Beverly Hills Police Department, Everdingle was released on his own recognizance after explaining to Magistrate "Winkie" Weinstein, that it was "virtually impossible" to have one's hands on the steering wheel while texting and pleasuring yourself.
Judge Weinstein, known affectionately to the fabulously wealthy locals, as "Magistrate to the Stars," raising his eyebrows incredulously at the arresting officer, asked why this man was arrested.
"Your Honor, he was driving 90 miles an hour down Sunset Boulevard with no hands on the wheel. When I finally stopped him I noticed that he was still texting with one hand and pleasuring himself with his other."
"Officer Undercuff, upon reading the statutes, I see no law expressly prohibiting these actions while driving a moving vehicle. I find that Mr. Everdingle's explanation sufficiently demonstrates that it is impossible to have your hands on the steering wheel while performing these actions."