Written by Leo Montford

Thursday, 5 March 2015

image for Nickelback, S Club 7 and Jack Whitehall Announced as the 2015 Glastonbury Headliners
Glastonbury Tor Tower Ruins Castle will oversee the disappointing headline acts

After months of speculation the line-up for the monumental annual music festival has been announced with the headliners of the prestigious Pyramid Stage being bland Canadian hard rock 4-piece Nickelback, irritating late 90s pop pipsqueaks S Club 7 and aristocratic stand-up comedian Jack Whitehall.

Nickleback lead vocalist Chad Kroeger commented by saying "We can't wait to get to England to headline Glastonbury. UK, you better get ready to be rocked...tepidly". S Club 7, whose current tour will also see them headlining the Galar Bingo Hall in Bexhill, wrote on their twitter page to say "We hope to see you all at Glastonbury, but for those of you that can't make it, you can book a P&Oh! cruise in November and we will see you then". The most surprising headliner, Jack Whithall, who will be the first ever comedian to headline the festival tweeted "I can't wait to do Glastonbury this year as usually I can't go and I just watch it on the TV in a tent in my bedroom and poo in a bucket" whether or not Jack Whitehall wrote this himself or whether it was written by one of his many writers is confidential.

Other acts officially announced to be playing the festival are Sam Smith, Ed Sheeren, Paloma Faith, Ellie Goulding, Jake Bugg, Sam Smith, Paolo Nutini, Haim, Ed Sheeren, Sam Smith, MGMT, Warpaint, M.I.A, Sam Smith, Clean Bandit, Sam Smith, Lily Allen, Ed Sheeren, James Blake, Bryan Ferry, Sam Smith, Paloma Faith and Sam Smith.

Many more huge acts to be announced as well with names such as Sam Smith being rumored.

Glastonbury, often accused of being a festival with left-leanings has made sure this year to welcome those with a less lenient political stance. Glastonbury Festival boss Michael Eavis has introduced 2 new stages for a more right-wing audience. There will now be a Mike Read Stage just opposite the festival mainstay the John Peel Stage and there will also be a right-wing Jeremy Clarkson led I'm Not Racist, But Stage opposite the liberal-minded and left-wing Billy Bragg led Left Field Stage and it will be headlined by upper-class privileged cry-baby toff James Blunt, and will also include comedy and live music sets from Kid-Rock, Simon Evans, Garry Bushell, The Official Black and White Minstrel Tribute Act, Ted Nugent, Geri Halliwell, Katie Hopkins, Roy "Chubby" Brown and The Godfrey Bloom Vocal Band.

Tickets will go on sale next week and a single full weekend ticket will cost £1699.99.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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