Written by Cool Papa Bell

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

QUARTIER DES THEATRES, WHEELING, WV -- The Capitol Theatre in downtown Wheeling, WV, will host a tour de force performance by one of broadcast journalism's most polarizing hawk-beaked figures in "An Evening With Nancy Grace As Jan Brady."

Grace will relive some of Jan's most painful adolescent angst and focuses on how an adult Jan would cope with family, relationships and the voices, oh the tormenting voices, in her head.

"Most dazzling one-person stage performance I've seen since Sir Ian McKellan as Yogi Berra," said theater critic Buster Olney of ESPN Broadway.

Feeling victimized is required but applause is optional. Parents are advised not to bring middle children with anxiety issues, and those easily offended by preachy know-it-alls with rabid personalities should consider waiting in the lobby.

"This is about victims' rights. Jan was a victim. She was victimized by her family, her friends, society, her school, creepy cousin Oliver, Peter's look-a-like, and especially her sister Marcia," Grace said in a brief telephone interview before heading off to defend herself in a class-action libel lawsuit brought by "a bunch of potato chip-eating potheads sitting around on a couch."

Good As News was able to obtain a script from a past performance of the show at The Wooden Leg Pub in Stout, Ohio. Some of the monologue includes:

Nancy/Jan will recall some of her unpleasant encounters with Sam the butcher when he offered her a popsicle. She will address him directly.

"I will not allow you to take me into that freezer like you did with Elizabeth Smart and take my dignity away from me, your sick, perverted, old pedophile," said Nancy/Jan. "Would you like me to introduce you to this meat cleaver?"

A side of beef appears as Sam.

Nancy/Jan also will talk about how Peter "took more than a brotherly interest in me."

"I was pretty sure I was still a virgin," she said. "Peter kept asking me to go to the 'Malt Shop' with him. Finally, I agreed to go with him and it turned out to be an old, abandoned Dairy Queen, and he said to me, 'Hey babe, let's swing.'

"I immediately refused his advances. I told him, 'I WILL NOT be used by my brother, or brothers, or cousin Oliver. This is not a Florida trailer park. Incest is not groovy and I plan to obtain an out of court settlement to prove it!'"

Nancy/Jan said she never wanted to go to Westdale High, but instead preferred to attend a performing arts school and become the next Goldie Hawn.

"I was a victim of gender discrimination," she said. "My parents wanted me to grow up to be soft and cuddly, marry some loser, be a stay-at-home wife and do 'made-for-TV movies' with Marcia and her husband.

"I told them 'You will not keep me medicated like The Ultimate Warrior. I will break free of my demons, becoming healthy emotionally and physically!'"

An adult Jan is more confident in herself, more demanding that they do the right thing instead of blaming everything on Jan.

"Yes, this IS my business. Marcia is on drugs, mom, and she is not a fit parent," said Nancy/Jan, speaking directly to her mother. "This isn't pimple cream we're talking about. She's swallowing Percocets like Bit-O-Honeys. She has Casey Anthony written all over her.

"You need to call children's services and have those kids taken away from her right now. I don't care if they are in their 30s."

A blonde shag wig appears as Carol Brady.

Tickets for the May 29 show are $159.95 for middle children, $79.95 for adults and $49.95 for normal children.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Nancy Grace

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