Nancy Grace Calls for Legal Action Against Hugh Hef in Face of Ex-Fiancee's Claims

Funny story written by Patrick Anderson Jr.

Thursday, 28 July 2011


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In an effort to move past the lulling media storm created by both Casey Anthony's murder trial and subsequent acquittal, Nancy Grace-host of the current affairs program aptly titled Nancy Grace-has latched on to a new subject: Crystal Harris.

Crystal Harris-model, singer, and ex-fiancée of Playboy Enterprises CCO Hugh Hefner-had a lot to reveal Tuesday while visiting Howard Stern on his SiriusXM Radio Show. In a candid and heartfelt interview, Harris admitted to being emotionally and physically abandoned during her and Hefner's six-month engagement, and that even during their most intimate moments Hefner only lasted "like about two seconds."

The news concerning Hef came as a shock to many citizens, namely Nancy Grace whose popular news program has been both the subject and platform of many controversial encounters over the past few years.

"This is outrageous," said Grace on the Wednesday episode of her show. "This cannot be allowed to continue. That poor, poor woman, having to put up with such behavior from a monster. A dirty, dirty monster."

Grace went on to call for legal action against Hefner, going so far as to say the multi-millionaire should be "sentenced to jail time and forced to split his assets with Crystal. We all feel for her during this tragic time in her life."

Grace is the co-author of Objection!: How High-Priced Defense Attorneys, Celebrity Defendants, and a 24/7 Media Have Hijacked Our Criminal Justice System or, as titled in various South American venues, Objection!: How to Make Money Being a Hypocrite. Grace was most recently in the media spotlight last week, after the lawyer for Michael Jackson's personal physician requested the jury in the doctor's criminal case be sequestered so as to avoid coming in contact with Nancy Grace's show. Dr. Conrad Murray is being charged with manslaughter relating to the death of the revered pop singer.

"I just think there is an overwhelming likelihood of contamination of the court's control of evidence," Attorney J. Michael Flanagan told Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor, adding under his breath, "and that woman won't shut the [expletive deleted] up."

Though Flanagan's request was denied, the judge agreed to keep the jury isolated while in the court house.

However, the move may no longer be necessary. Grace admittedly has her staff operating at full force against Hugh Hefner, authorizing the use of all available resources to lobby for his indictment. The charge: sexual negligence and spousal abuse. She admits the second charge may not stick, as Hef and Harris were never actually married.

"No woman should have to stand by and deal with this," Grace said, pounding her fist against her desk. "With all I've had to deal with in the past-and we all know I've had to deal with so much, so, so much, what with the death of my fiancé in '78, remember that people, I know suffering-it sickens me to have to hear about this happening, especially to such a beautiful, capable woman as Crystal Harris."

Upon hearing about Grace's efforts, Harris-a former Playboy Playmate-urged Grace to drop the issue, claiming she "still loves Hef. I don't want any trouble."

Grace responded to Harris's request with a violent shake of her head.

"What are you trying to hide Crystal?" Grace screamed. "There is more going on here than you're letting on. You're promoting Hefner's criminal behavior, and should be prosecuted as well."

When asked to comment Wednesday afternoon, Hugh Hefner simply raised an eyebrow.

"Who's Nancy Grace?" he asked.

Mr. Hefner may very well be finding out soon enough.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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