LAS VEGAS, Nevada - In a secret ceremony, under the gaze of a plastic Elvis bust, Justin Bieber's mom, Pattie, 37, wed Niles Dibly, 56, an accountant who works in London for the Church of England.
"Well I was travelling alone, taking in the sights of Las Vegas, playing the slots and a little blackjack, and I decided to go for a bite to eat. Somehow I wound up downtown, in a very seedy area, and happened along a tiny coffee shop where I bought a small coffee and a pre-packaged danish. Having very little space to consume my purchases inside, I went along the boulevard a bit to find a few standup tables and approached a very attractive young lady at one of them and asked, politely of course, if it would be possible for me to share her table for just the amount of time it would take me to consume my comestibles. It was not until much later that I would discover that I was indeed talking to the mother of one of the younger generation's mega music superstars, none other than Justin Bieber."
"For a moment, I remember, stepping away from the table in order to relieve myself of some flatulence, far enough away so as not to disturb my tablemate, Ms. Pattie. When I returned and drank a bit of my coffee, I began to feel a bit woozy, as if to be dozing off to sleep. When I finally came to, in a very luxurious hotel suite, I found myself stripped naked and prone face down on a bed which, for some strange reason, had a full length mirror hanging above it."
"With a bit of a headache raging, I managed to get up off the bed to search for my clothes. Then Ms. Pattie came in and told me to find something in the closet and to hurry as she had an appointment to get to. Well of course all I could find was a tuxedo which happened to fit me perfectly by some strange reason. We rushed down to the lobby and out of the hotel where Pattie pushed me into a waiting limo. Funnily enough, we ended up at a small marriage chapel and was told by Pattie that it would just be a few minutes, go up to the alter, let the justice of the peace say a few words, and then she would take me back to my hotel where I could prepare for my early morning flight home. Having agreed to all this, in a less than a clear state of mind, I can say that she lived up to her part of the agreement, having deposited my at customs after checking in with Virgin Atlantic with my luggage."
"It was only when I had returned to my home did I find out, from all the press, that I had actually been officially married to the woman, as far as the state of Nevada and the bust of Elvis was concerned. I have been making inquiries with Justin Bieber's people, and have sent my solicitor around to their offices in Los Angeles to see if there is any official documentation of this supposed marriage floating around."
"She is a very nice lady, a bit flighty, but I certainly would not want to cause a commotion by questioning her motives and, to be more succinct, I can't see any drawbacks to having Ms. Pattie as a wife, in fact I kind of like the idea, it's just that, if this is indeed the case, I would surely like to see if she can have my dinner made on a nightly basis starting this weekend and there's some laundry that needs sorting out. If she is not up to this then perhaps this marriage thing might need some reconsideration or at least retooling in some way."
"My last contact with the Bieber organization led me to believe that Ms. Pattie may have taken a flight out of Vegas herself to some unknown spot in South America, so it may be awhile before any of my questions can be answered. Not to worry, though, as I am perfectly capable of managing on my own but do hope this isn't some kind of publicity stunt or prank because I feel my position within the Church may be compromised should it end up on some sort of television reality t.v. show."