Congress Considering Legislation to Require Future Nudity In All of Jennifer Lawrence's Films

Written by E. Lee Zimmerman

Thursday, 11 April 2013

WASHINGTON, DC - Tired of endless titillation leading to little or no payoff, Congressional representatives all but declared war on Hollywood this week with Bill HR-26969, a sweeping measure which would require popular HUNGER GAMES actress Jennifer Lawrence to appear with at least frontal nudity in all pending motion pictures.

"I know what's right for America, and this is what's right for America," said Stanton Foster-Brooks (D-MD) in his appearance with the press this morning. "We've seen what spectacle Miss Lawrence can deliver as the new face of Hollywood. She's a rich, wholesome, talented young professional. While I know I speak for my colleagues when I say that we retain the utmost respect for what her skills as a budding Thespian means to the industry, we think that the time is right for this important next development in her career."

The first few years of Lawrence's career consisted of mostly guest appearances on popular television programs including NBC's Medium, the USA Network's Monk, and TBS's The Bill Engvall Show. While her age and the broadcast limitations of governmental censors would never have allowed frontal nudity in these circumstances, Foster-Brooks insists that most women's areola's are best captured artistically on the silver screen.

"Audiences have thrilled to her near-breast displays in 2011's X-MEN: FIRST CLASS, but who among us don't feel that the picture would've been greatly enhanced with the exploration of legitimate flesh?" the representative asks. "It's one thing to tease an entire audience of young adult males; it's another thing to respond willingly to the wishes of this great nation. Ask not what to expect from your country; ask instead what you can give to it."

Lawrence's securing of the lead in THE HUNGER GAMES is what truly launched the young woman onto celebrity magazine covers around the world, and now Rep. Foster-Brooks believes it's time for the starlet to 'put out or get out.' That's why he's sponsored the controversial HR-26969, a bill dubbed in some media outlet as 'Merkin's Law.'

Ms. Lawrence's representatives could not be reached for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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