Former American Idol Judge Simon Cowell Denies The Adam Lambert Rumor and Insists That He Is Not Homophobic

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 10 February 2012

image for Former American Idol Judge Simon Cowell Denies The Adam Lambert Rumor and Insists That He Is Not Homophobic
A recent photo of the desk in Simon Cowell's master bedroom. (Photo by Mezhgan Hussainy).

HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell, the man who has been called "The Englishman With The Midas Touch" is no stranger to controversy or the world of controversial subjects.

The "Sultan of Sarcasm" was recently interviewed by Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk and "Simple" Simon, as his former alleged secret girlfriend Paula Abdul playfully refers to him made a startling comment regarding American Idol season 8 runner up Adam Lambert.

Miss Chipotle asked him about his T-shirt collection and Cowell smiled and replied that he does have a rather extensive collection and if he had to give a number it would probably be somewhere around 713.

He quickly added that most have been gifts sent to him by extremely adoring fans such as 19-year-old Olivia "Giggles" Bootfaust of Memphis who shipped him his gift by FedEx. Simon grinned and remarked that the gift was not at all damaged. [WINK-WINK].

The "Viceroy of Venom" said that this particular T-shirt was hand-made out of the finest silk from India and that it is so expensive and so exquisite that the only time he ever wears it is when he is in the backyard of his Hollywood Hills mansion smoking three or seven Marlboro's with his fiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

The television mogul added that one of his prized T-shirts is one he was given this past Christmas by Mrs. Nick Cannon, better known as Mariah Carey.

He added that the shirt is decorated with over 4,000 little Swarovski Crystals just like the kind that are used in the vajazzling process.

The "Prince of Put Downs" confessed that he has only worn this T-shirt once at that was two weeks ago when he and Mezzy, as he calls his fiancée, drove up the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) and went through a Burger Bandit drive-thru window in Oxnard.

Miss Chipotle finally got around to asking him about his recent remark that he had made regarding American Idol contestant Adam Lambert.

Cowell rolled his eyes and immediately stated that the supermarket tabloids Just Saying and Say What? had gotten it totally, completely, and utterly wrong.

He went on to say that he never stated that had he known Lambert was gay that he would have banned him from appearing on American Idol.

Simon became upset and said that what he told JS and SW? was that he did in fact ask Adam (Lambert) to please cut back on his use of eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, and female deodorant due to the fact that it was making the female judges Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi a little nervous and truth be told extremely jealous.

The multi-millionaire who drives a $1 million Bugatti Veyron said that Lambert winked and simply replied "Gotcha."

Since he is British and he is not really used to American slang he took that to mean that (Lambert) understood and agreed with his request.

Miss Chipotle smiled and asked, "So then Mr. Cowell, you are stating for the record that you are not now, nor have you ever been homophobic correct?"

"Yes, Chippy, that is exactly right," Cowell replied with a wide-eyed grin on his face. "Oh and by the way you have the most beautiful looking bedroom eyes. And your smile is hauntingly captivating. And your long, luscious, lovely legs seem to just go on, and on, and on, and..."

"Ah thank you Mr. Cowell." A blushing Carolina Chipotle commented as she quickly stood up to leave.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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