Kate Gosselin Depressed At The Cancellation of Her Show 'Kate Plus 8' Seeks Comfort In The Rock and Roll Arms of Steven Tyler

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin has cried so much this past week that one of her close friends confided to iRumors that two of the Gosselin kids slipped on Kate's tears in the kitchen and got bruises on their tibias and femurs.

Kate's cable reality show Kate Plus 8 has been cancelled by the TLC Network. Duffy P. Noodletoodle, a spokesperson for the network said that Gosselin's show had slipped tremendously in the ratings.

Noodletoodle said that the ratings for Kate Plus 8 had even fallen below those of Divorce Cake Bakers, Cooking With Insects, and Glenn Beck Sings The Favorite Love Songs of Adolph Hitler.

The TLC spokesperson pointed out that people just got tired of Kate yelling at her kids to stop writing on the kitchen floor with Magic Markers, and to quit putting jello in each other's underwear, and to stop playing catch with the next door neighbor's pet cat Mrs. Itchy Whiskers.

Gosselin told iRumors reporter Ling Chow Rangoon that she never realized that one day her little gold mine show would come to an end.

The dishwater blonde mother of eight said that she does not know how she is going to buy groceries for the kids, school supplies for the kids, and hair products and cosmetics for herself.

Miss Rangoon asked Kate how come she had not bothered to have set aside some money for the time when her show would no longer appeal to the viewers and it would get its ass cancelled.

Kate looked at Rangoon and told her that she did not have to be so vulgar, nasty, and bitchy.

Rangoon told her that she did not need a has-been reality show non-celebrity telling her how to conduct herself.

Gosselin asked Rangoon if she had papers or if she was in this country illegally. Rangoon told her that she had plenty of papers and asked if she wanted for her to point out to the American people that she has a brand new tattoo on her bikini line that reads "Property of Steven Tyler."

Kate turned pink and red and jumped up off her love seat and got in Rangoon's face and told her to leave her house immediately before she called the FBI, the CIA, and the IRS.

Rangoon told her that as far as she was concerned she could go ahead and call the IUD as well and see about getting something done about her industrial cellulite, her upper lip wrinkles, and the fact that her right tittie hangs down quite a bit lower than her left one.

Kate grabbed her cell phone and quickly called up her boyfriend, American Idol Judge Steven "Lips" Tyler. She told him that Miss Rangoon was being very mean to her and she added that she will be flying out to California to seek comfort in his rock and roll arms.

Gosselin handed the phone to Rangoon who listened to what Tyler had to say. She then replied "Well, I tell you what Mr. Tyler, I sincerely hope that you and "Graceless" Kate and her eight bratty heathens will all be happy because I just now looked out the kitchen window into the backyard and I see where all eight of 'em have piled up a bunch of lawn chairs and a lawn table along with a neighbor's lawn flamingo, a black wicker lawn jockey, and a riding lawn mower and they are now trying to set the whole damn pile on fire with a candle lighter."

"Put my Katey baby back on the phone bitch and I mean right now!" Tyler screamed out.

"Oops. It looks like the signal dropped." Rangoon remarked sarcastically as she handed the phone to Mrs. Gosselin. "Well, I guess that I better go and see about getting my papers in order. You have yourself a nice day Miss Kate ya hear."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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