Yanks Skint - Britain Turns To China For A Sub

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 7 August 2011


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That'll Be £3.25 Cato - And I Don't Do Overtime

The USA, once the world's most powerful nation, is now skint, boracic, on the bones of its arse, and on the verge of appealing to Bob Geldof, Midge Ure and Bono to stage a benefit gig for them at the Nou Camp in Barcelona.

Which leaves Britain in a quandary.

The British have borrowed from the Americans ever since the colonists won the War Of Independence, when Lester Piggott rode through the streets of Bedford Stuyvesant in Brooklyn, warning that the British invaders were coming.

Successive US Presidents have talked about a 'special relationship' with Britain since the dark days of World War II, when what they really mean is that Britain is 'bumming off us again.'

The sad truth remains that America is in terminal decline - just like Britain at the turn of the 20th century, and can no longer afford to offer Britain stuff on the never-never, or on tic (to use council estate parlance) so its bank doors are closed.

Unless you're Bonnie and Clyde, Dillinger, or somesuch.

Not to be outdone, being ever adaptable, Britain has turned to the industrial powerhouse that is China, in a bid to borrow money from somewhere.

"Sod the Yanks," Deputy PM Nick 'Does My Bum Look Big In This?' Clegg, allegedly told reporters. "They're so last year. We need to look at the future, and as China is the richest nation on earth, we'll go cap in hand to them instead. Apart from the Boxer Rebellion, the colonisation of Hong Kong and the opium dens in old Shanghai, we've always had a 'special relationship' with the Chinese. Apart from Prince Philip calling them 'funny little slitty eyed fuckers' on a state visit. But we can get over that. The fact is that we're as broke as the Yanks, but the Chinese are our friends. They owe us. So we'll borrow off them. We let them open chippies all over the UK in the 1960's - so we know all about king prawn mushroom, special chow mein, and chop suey. We'll reciprocate by introducing them to meat and tater pies and black pudding. All they have to do is give us money. We may well be the whores of the Western world, and do anything for a price, but we know which side our bread's buttered on..."

The Chinese ambassador to London stated:

"Sure, we lend Britain money. We see as investment. Somebody got to pay for work shy single mum benefit and fat idle cunt allowance - we do that. But in return, we want chippies on every street corner, and we want to do a Tiananmen Square on baldy old bastard Prince Philip. He Greek anyway. They well broke. Nobody in right mind enjoy hummus. No forgive slitty eye reference. Racist twat. We gun fucker down humanely. Like dog."

US President, Barack Obama said:

"If the Brits wish to forsake America, and ally themselves to the Chinese, that's their problem. It'll never work out. There are just too many cultural divides to cross. Britain really is a whore of a nation. I think that's enough on the subject."

* In related news, British diplomats were reportedly offering £3.25 a throw blow jobs to Chinese diplomats, regardless of sex. Mr Obama complained that for American diplomats, the rate had been £7.60.

Which he described as a "rip off."

Prince Philip apparently doesn't give a fuck either way.

And neither does Hugh grant.

Divine Brown was too busy brushing her teeth to be bothered.

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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