Hollywood Solves Greek Bond Issue with Actor Billy Zane

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

image for Hollywood Solves Greek Bond Issue with Actor Billy Zane
Billy Zane; The New Greek Bond for about 20 minutes.

The benefits of abbreviated headlines and cell phone based news snippets were brought into question again this weekend, as news of Greek bond issues hit the airwaves, and several entertainment industry executives were made to look like idiots.

As financial deal brokers in Germany were busy negotiating with the country of Greece, willing to lend monetary assistance to help resolve that country's current bond issue, United Artists producers were busy recruiting Greek actor Billy Zane to help save the James Bond movie franchise and keep it from leaving Hollywood.

"We had a historical obligation", says UA producer Melvin Bitzner. "James Bond is an American franchise. There was literally no way we were going to let those Greeks steal Bond. We get a win-win with Greek actor Billy Zane playing Bond, but keeping the Bond franchise right here in the U.S."

Wall Street analyst, Aaron Stone was seen to be shaking his head in disbelief. "Clearly they didn't read anything beyond the headline, and even then, not very well", says Stone. "Apart from getting the whole financial reference completely wrong, they missed out on the fact that Bond was really an international franchise."

Once the UA executives were advised of the faux pas by their legal teams, and that Billy Zane is actually bald, they quickly released a clarifying statement that praised Germany for assisting Greece and retracted the offer to Zane.

"Media and sales people", Stone added. "Made up of pretty much every community college student I've ever met".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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