New Salsa "Blazing Sphincter" Guarantees It Is The Hottest On Exiting The Body

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 25 April 2011

A new Mexican salsa product, named Blazing Sphincter, also has a new type of marketing scheme. Instead of claiming that it is the hottest of the hot sauces going in, it claims to be the hottest of the hot sauces coming out. Jars of the product are already on market shelves thoughout the Southwest and should be available everywhere by June.

Felicia Moreno, a spokesperson for the manufacturer, said that "everyone claims their picante sauce or tabasco sauce or salsa or pico de gallo is the hottest on the tongue and to the taste. We didn't even want to get into that battle. Instead, we claim that ours is the hottest possible product you can evacuate through your bowels. In fact, we guarantee that the first time you attempt to pass Blazing Sphincter will be a memorable experience."

"Our goal is to make flames shoot out your behind, boiling the water in your toilet and making you want to sit on a bag of ice. We want you to have scorch marks, not skid marks, in your shorts. The goal of this product is to actually put off enough explosive pressure to literally send Alice to the moon!. We intend to give new meaning to the expression scorched Earth. Twelve hours after one helping of our salsa, we think that Elton John really could sing a song about being the Rocket Man."

In the naming process, Moreno said that several names were considered: Burning, Flaming, Scorching, Hot, and Fiery Sphincter were all rejected in favor of Blazing Sphincter. The word Sphincter was chosen over asshole, butthole, and bunghole because, as Ms. Moreno said, "we wanted the title to seem a little more polite."

"We guarantee that every asshole will burn with fiery fury the first time that you try to eliminate your waste after taking our product. In fact, the picture on the jar is of a burning asshole."

Actually, the picture on the jar is of a flaming Bill Maher,… but I guess that qualifies as a burning asshole!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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