CAUGHT! Microsoft Busted in Google's Bing Sting, Says Self-Righteously Hypocritical Banner-Ad Monopoly

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 2 February 2011


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ABOVE: thepiratebay's home page, anytime after 6PM.

Microsoft, the software publishing company that literally invented anti-piracy tactics, was caught with their hands in Google's cookie-jar, when MS's little-used search engine, Bing, was discovered copying results from Google - the self-proclaimed 'dog's bollocks'* of search engines.

Bing [annoying background with puppies] { public static string Search(string query) { return Google.Search(query); } } [/annoying background with puppies]

Will the names "Microsoft" and "Google" survive editorial consternation? Or will we be reading about Macrohard and Blong? I'll be waiting at Taco Gong with my laptop, and find out when you do.

"We thought those douchy little a--holes were stealing our stuff. We have no tolerance for technology theft," said a spokesperson for Google, who stole source-code from Orkut and Oracle for their Android operating system. "And now we can prove it. Stay classy, Microsoft."

Suspicious of Bill Gates' trained monkeys, Google engineers set up false results on their site for a series of unlikely search terms, such as "Dane Cook original material" and "peaceful transfer of power %20Egypt", pointing the results to Patton Oswalt's website, which receives almost no traffic.

"Within a couple weeks of starting this experiment, our inserted results started appearing in Bing," said Google said in a statement on its official blog, billgatescaneatabagofknobs.web."

Google said it welcomed honest competition, like from (giggle) Netscape, but resented Bing's "recycled search results."

"We use over 1,000 different signals and features in our ranking algorithm," Bing vice president Harry Shum said Tuesday, referring to the mathematical code that search engines use to choose their results. "Only about 984 of them are directly from Google. Hey, ya wanna buy some ad space on Bing? Please? Dear God, PLEASE?! Don't worry about getting caught: No one will see it."

"By the way, very funny, whoever wrote this on my Facebook wall, but BING does not stand for 'Because Its Not Google.'"

Google may have the last laugh, however. As of press time, the juggernaut had more than 90% of the U.S. search engine market, with at least half of said traffic pointing to a British website's story entitled, "John Terry Meets Selena Gomez on a Boat with Andy Carroll and Robert Pattison, Sees Mylie Cyrus' Vagina, then Goes On X-Factor with George Clooney and Demi Lovato Who are Fighting Sarah Palin, Jedward and Andy Murray with Vuvuzelas in Egypt During The World Cup. PS: Harry Potter."

* "Dog's Bollocks" claim only valid in the UK. In the US, the term is "Lassie's Ballbags."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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