H&R Block Hates The Gays? Civil Unions "Not Supported" In Online Software

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Saturday, 28 August 2010


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H&R Block's Concept Store opened with great fanfare in NYC's East Village, but did not resonate with residents.

Throughout the history of clinical psychology, well into the 20th century, it was standard to view homosexuality in terms of pathological models as a mental illness.

Now that shrinks realize that you couldn't get a guy to gnaw the 'nana unless he really, really wanted to, intelligent society's bug-up-its-proverbial-ass regarding homosexuality only exists in the deepest, darkest recesses of ignorance and bigotry...

... unless you try to use H&R Block's web-based software to do your taxes: Then the choir sings "f--k off, fanny bandit" from high atop the jade-colored corporate phallus at One H&R Block Drive in Kansas City, MO.

"If you have one of those new-fangled Homo civil unions, don't bother trying to file a tax return with H&R Block," says a Delware-based employee who shall remain Kevin. "No bone munchers allowed!"

Fortunately, the American Civil Liberties Union called "Bullsh-t" on the practice, and fired off one of their patented, "Rethink Your Position or Expect Placards, Marching, and Chants of 'What Do We Need?' 'Block to Honor Gays!' 'When Do We Need It?' 'Now!" type of letter, which read in part:

"Your practice cnstitutes discrimination under a Connecticut law that forbids denying 'full and equal accommodation' on the basis of sexual orientation or civil-union status. We therefore demand that H&R Block cease immediately this discrimination against taxpayers in civil unions, ya f--kers."

Did You Know...

...that Rebecca Shore, the ACLU lawyer who wrote the letter, sent it to then-interim CEO, Alan Bennett? Bennett had someone read the letter to him, but before taking action, Bennett was replaced as CEO by burger-boy Russ Smythe --for about ten minutes-- and then Bennett was rehired! Now, dammit, he'll need someone to read the letter to him again!

...that "429" was code for homosexuals in the 1970's? It comes from dialing the word G.A.Y. on a then-new Touch Tone telephone, as G=4, A=2, and Y=9.

... that Native Americans used gay slurs in the 17th Century? Shoshonis used the term "TAIKWAHNI WA'IPPE", whose literal translation is "woman-man". The reverse, "WA'IPPE TAINNA" was used as a derogatory proper name, and was translated in contemporary texts as "Tonsil Swabs With Meat-Tube."

H&R Block said in a statement --which was scrawled in crayon on the back of a white McDonalds french fry envelope-- that it was evaluating ways to offer online support to "Evil violators of God's Will" who are in civil unions and domestic partnerships. The company said its competitors have similar problems.

"Shenanigans!" declared Intuit, the developers of the vastly superior Turbo Tax. "We've always supported civil unions, even before Keanu Reeves eloped with David Geffen."

"Please be assured that H&R Block values both of our remaining clients --even you sh-tdicks!-- and we are committed to serving all clients fairly," said Denise Sposato, who was promptly doused in nail polish remover and immolated by Block's corporate chaplain.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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