BP Formulates New Green Business Plan

Funny story written by KRS

Sunday, 27 June 2010

image for BP Formulates New Green Business Plan

This afternoon, BP CEO Tony Hayward announced a totally new green business plan for his beleaguered corporate leviathan.

Displaying a plate of their new product, high octane shrimp, Hayward told the hastily assembled gathering of sailing enthusiasts.

"Our new green initiative will quickly put the mudbug sucking Cajuns back to work, supplying Americans with good old American grown fuel - ethyl and regular decapods. Now all those bitching and whining Yanks will have all the fuel they need to keep their gas guzzling habits going, without having to wait all that time for the earth to generate fossil fuel.

"Tomorrow morning at BP stations around the nation, we will be offering GREEN GAS, in both regular unleaded grade and high test...by the kilo. With each five kilo purchase of GREEN GAS, we will give each customer a free plunger to fill their tank."

"That gas isn't green, it's brown...almost like dark chocolate," yelled out an unidentified heckler from the rear of the crowd. "Excuse me," proclaimed Hayward, "Are you a member of this yachting club?" No response was heard.

Hayward continued; "Pending the successful launch of GREEN GAS, we have additional product lines geared up for market introduction. We have Pelican Logs © prepackaged and ready for delivery to vendors. Unlike the typical manufactured fireplace logs, Pelican Logs © will burn for a minimum of seven days versus two hours for conventional logs. It will be like Chanukah every day.

"We are also opening a SPA in Muscle Shoals Alabama offering discriminating women skin softening and rejuvenating cretaceous crustacean baths. Aromatic and lubricating to the dermis, these treatments have been used by local inhabitants of Baku for over a century. We have added value by including crayfish and shrimp, with the occasional spiny lobster thrown in as a bonus.

"We already have marketing agreements in place with Expedia and Price Line. We are also in negotiation with Darden Corporation to acquire their seafood chain, which we plan to rename "Brown Lobster."

Hayward closed with; "I fully anticipate resurgence in customer and shareholder confidence in our new ventures. I look forward to blowing the Wall Street short sellers out of the water tomorrow, as only BP knows how to do."

You may contact KRS at his new web and domain address... KRS@wsu.fuk

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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