Election Subcontractor OneDollarOneVote Announces November Election Auction!

Funny story written by rewinn

Friday, 5 February 2010

image for Election Subcontractor OneDollarOneVote Announces November Election Auction!
American Voters Remain Free to Buy As Much Ad Time As They Can, With Their Pennies

Election subcontracting giant OneDollarOneVote, Inc (NASDAQ symbol ODOV) announced today an election auction to be held in November.

"Money is speech", said spokesman Clarence Thomas, "And when money talks, we listen!"

ODOV's right to spend unlimited amounts of money to sway American elections was recently created by act of the Supreme Court, and its staff is giddy with excitement. "We speak for our clients, who prefer not to be named," said ODOV CEO Roberts. "Let me assure you they are a diverse group ethnically, representing every group that has come to America, such as Chinese sovereign wealth funds, Russian oil giants and Arab investors. We do not discriminate! the only color that matters to us is green."

Foreign investors applauded ODOV's innovation. "Previously, when a governing cabal wanted the United States to destroy a competitor, it had to work through inefficient means, such as furnishing false WMD data to the CIA. Now we have a more efficient means; we pay ODOV to speak for us! It's perfectly legal under American law!"

But some pundits worried about an inflationary spiral of spending on American elections. "Let us suppose Airbus wants America to buy their jet tankers for the Air Force, and invested a few hundred millions in advertising accusing senators from Boeing's states of eating puppies," mused an academic. "Boeing would have to respond with millions of its own dollars for ads accusing Richard Shelby of being in the pay of Airbus. The only winners here would be media firms."

"Exactly right," chortled Rupert Murdoch of NewsCorp. Media stocks have taken a hit lately, but by partnering with OneDollarOneVote, we may soon attain the obscene profits like those of pharmaceutical and insurance companies. Free speech means rich and poor alike can buy billions of dollars of attack ads!"

"And," Roberts noted with a twinkle, "Ads are only the beginning. Internet search engine results, telephone service, transportation by private jets and the ever-popular lap dance are other ways that corporations express themselves. Take a hint!"

Average Americans may have had a comment, but nothing that the corporate media felt like publishing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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