And to get things kicked off right, Wal Mart, the Retailing and profits giant of America, made their own announcement the same day. At Wal Mart owned Sam's Clubs across the U.S. more than 11,000 staffers will be laid off as the retailer seeks lower wages for workers and reduced costs to increase profits.
Wally Snotmart, speaking for Wal Mart, said "We just made our budgets for bonus campaign donations to GOP Senators, and with those numbers, we really have to find some big money somewhere." The recent decision by the Supreme Court really opens things up for us and we're going for it!"
The Wally's Fart Monthly Screw'n U letter states that self service check out stations "like Chrome Depot uses" are "management's hope of the future to ditch labor altogether", but so far the data from C.D. indicates customers are too lame to figure out how the stations work, so they get frustrated and never come back. "we can't have that" said Wally, so "we are bringin' in a boatload of Haitians who are real happy to make $ 6 bucks an hour, and I'm sure they will do us right!"
In other news, the O'Bomba Administration again changed how the unemployment index is calculated. Now, all those laid off will be immediately dropped from the "unemployed" figures if they are married and have a spouse that actually has a job, further narrowing the government's numbers to reduce the reported unemployment rate to near zero.
With the economy under control and the jobs issue nearly solved, the O'Bomba family is planning another Hawaiian vacation to "rest and relax" as "working for Hillary has been "taxing" to say the least."
Reporting from the Land of Peace and Eternal Bliss,
DagNabbit Rabbitt
