The senior management and shareholding city suits at Cadbury's, many of whom have never worked a day in their life, have confirmed that all jobs are safe at the firm, despite the recent take-over by people wanting to make even more money than they have been doing up to now.
At a special meeting, the directors said that there would definitely be no redundancies whatsoever at the chocolate maker's factories until they start putting people out of work, firing them or retiring them, as they expect to do in a few months. Although there will be no redundancies.
Spokesman, Kit Catte said that "Under no circumstance will any current worker at any factory loose their job in the immediate future. We guarantee that it will be at least 4 weeks before we start getting rid of people.
"But as we promised those greedy saps who sold the company to us just to make a quick buck, there won't be any redundancies. All we'll be doing is getting rid of people and firing them. But there definitely will be no redundancies. None at all. Just a few job losses."
The company also announced a major re-branding of some of popular products, believing, as in all major takeovers, that things that are not broken always need fixing.
Kit-Kat will be re-named "I can't believe it's not Crunchie"
Roses are to be re-branded as "Daffodils
Trident gum is being called "Scud"
Wispa is being renamed ShutTheF***Up
Milk Tray, due to health and safety, is being named "Stainless Steel Tray"
Turkish Delight is being renamed "Kurdish Delight"