New York, NY - Tiger Woods has released a statement that he will be retiring from golf so that he can concentrate on accommodating his more than willing fan base of women or find time to "...pull more chicks."
In acknowledging that his marriage is all but over, his golf career in ruins and his endorsements drying up, Mr. Woods has decided to "...turn a page," and find more time to "...smell the roses."
Said Woods "...when you've burned as many bridges as I have this past month, you start to really reflect on those things that are important in your life. And I've decided that it's time to step back a bit from those things that were at the forefront of my life, re-examine my priorities and try to cast my net as wide as possible fertility wise. Why I may even become mormon. They do still promote polygamy there don't they? Even if my wife takes half my wealth, that still leaves me with 500 million or so. Have you met a chick that would turn her nose up at a man worth 500 million? I didn't think so."
As shocking as that may sound to his loyal golf fans and sponsors, Mr. Woods certainly has the financial wherewith all to do whatever he pleases at this point in his life and, according to several sources, a deserted island in the pacific filled with compliant females and an unending supply of liquor doesn't seem that far off the mark.