'Tiger Babes' nude calendar a Christmas best-seller

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Thursday, 17 December 2009


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Tiger Babes' plea; 'buy our calendar, it's for a good cause'

Just in time for Christmas, twelve of Tiger Woods' mistresses rolled out a calendar which features one of them 'in the buff' for each month in 2010.

'Too bad the year doesn't have 14 months', said Mark Reacher, vice president of XXX-Rated Calendar Corp., Inc. 'We have two Tiger Babes left over, and we don't know what to do with them.'

Do the Tiger Babes really need to do this? The Babes say they're in financial straits.

'A club promoter doesn't make that much money', said Kalika Moquin. 'And I have expenses, like for clothing. I'm always getting funny stains on my dresses.'

'I'm unemployed, and completely dependent on the kindness of strangers', said Cori Rist.

Theresa Rogers is in the same boat.

'Lots of times, really nice generous guys will help support my lifestyle with little gifts', Rogers says. 'But that's not the same as having a real job. Since it's all cash, though, I don't pay income taxes, so that's a bit of relief.'

Jamie Jungers said that models don't make any money unless their photos sell, adding, 'And this calendar will sell my photos. If this doesn't work, I'll have to pawn the jewelry and cars Tiger gave me.'

'A waitress at Perkins doesn't get many tips', Mindy Lawton said. 'This calendar will help put gas in the Porsche Tiger got for me.'

Julie Postle is also a waitress, and though her tips are more generous, they're still not enough. 'Now that Tiger is on the run, he's not keeping up the rent on the penthouse he got for me', she said. 'I'll do literally anything at all to pay the rent. Call me.'

Holly Sampson said that due to the economy, the porn film industry is not doing well. 'People are filming themselves, instead of renting films', she points out. 'So I really need the calendar sales to make up the difference.'

Joslyn James, also an adult film star, had the same complaint. 'There's days when I'm afraid I'll run out of K-Y jelly', she said. 'Calendar sales will keep my career going.'

Loredana Jolie says the public has it all wrong about her. 'Sure it costs $20,000 to date me', she says. 'But nearly all of that goes to my pimp. I mean, my manager.'

Jessica Simpson denied being a 'Tiger Babe', and said she was merely posing on the calendar to 'show solidarity' with the women entangled in Tiger's affairs.

Rachel Uchitel and Elin Nordegren round out the calendar for an even dozen.

'We are definitely the two hottest Tiger Babes', said Nordegren, Tiger's wife. 'And after my poolside romp with Rachel, we've become inseparable.'

'And we have lawyer bills', Uchitel added. 'And now that Tiger's decided to drop golf to become a porn star, we'll need the money more than ever. Trust us -- he's no John Holmes.'

'And with him trying to raid a convent of nuns, we know he's desperate. He's past his prime if he's getting blue balls.'

The Tiger Babe calendar is a hot seller, Reacher said. 'In fact', he added, 'it's like printing money.'

Reacher has plans for 2011.

'I have it from a confidential source', he says, 'that by this time next year, we'll have another dozen 'Tiger Babes' for a whole new calendar.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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