DEARBORN, Michigan - Ford investors are jumping for joy as their company posted an astounding third quarter income of $1 billion.
Company spokesperson Ricky Snowheimer stated that at the last Ford stockholders meeting when the report of the stupendous income was announced investors stood up and started high-fiving each, other, low-fiving each other, and fist-bumping like crazy.
One investor, Takashaki Hiroshiku, who likes to visit Dearborn nightclubs and perform karaoke stood on his chair and started singing the song written by Freddie Mercury and performed by his band Queen "We Are The Champions."
Another investor Marjorie Scalapino ran out to her car (Ford Taurus) and came back with her accordion. After Takashaki got off of his chair and sat down Mrs. Scalapino lit in to a rendition of the most popular accordion song of all time "Lady Of Spain."
A group of four stockholders, who had driven all the way from Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, in a 1993 Ford Focus started hopping around the room doing the Hokey Pokey.
And when they would get to the line that says 'and that's what it's all about,' they would instead sing out 'and profit's what it's all about.'
One elderly woman from Toledo, Ohio, Heidi Nickeltree, 47, even hopped up on a table filled with stock reports and started to perform a strip routine.
"Horny Heidi" as her co-workers call her managed to remove her Nikes, her socks, her short shorts, and her Beatles Rock T-Shirt before one of the convention center janitors managed to wrestle her to the ground.
"HH" was led away in handcuffs yelling something about her now being able to afford breast implants because of the fact that her Ford stock had gone up from 12 cents a share to $7.59 a share.
Assistant CEO Rob Pillowitz, Jr., went up to the podium and told the assembled stock holders that he appreciated their enthusiasm but reminded everyone that this was Dearborn, this was not Hollywood, Las Vegas, or Yuma and that public displays of nudity would not be tolerated and would be grounds for job termination.
One of the investors shouted out "You lie."
Pillowitz told the chief of security to escort that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] from the room and handcuff him to a parking meter out front for all to see.
Mr. Pillowitz then went into the history of the Ford Company explaining pretty much what everyone already knew that the company was named after Washington D.C.'s Ford Theater.
He also added that the reason that Detroit had been chosen to be the original center of car production was because that was where the automobile manufacturing plants were located.
He also stated that the Ford Mustang was originally named the Ford Gelding, but the name was changed when Vice-President of Auto Naming Buddy Androffski was informed by a factory employee who attaches fenders to the compact cars what the name "Gelding" really means.
Pillowitz told the assembled thong, I mean throng, sorry I still have a visual on Heidi Nickeltree, that there were several reasons why the Ford Motor Company managed to make such an unheard of profit.
He said that firstly, a lot of the credit had to go to the tens of thousands of factory workers, guys and gals, and a few unnamed kids, who install the cigarette lighters, the glove compartments, and the blinker light fluid.
Pilly, as his first and second wives called him, dabbed back a few tears as he said that the main reason why Ford was able to show a third quarter income of $1 billion was because the auto workers had agreed to take a pay cut from $81 an hour to $9 an hour, they had agreed to forgo their two coffee breaks, and they agreed to use their own tools brought from home.
He said that another factor that was directly linked to the huge profits was the fact that some of the automotive parts that had been manufactured in Michigan had been outsourced to places such as Ababa, Ethiopia; Marie Byrd Land, Antarctica; and Sarajevo, Herzegovina.
He added that auto workers in those three places average a wage of 18 cents an hour, with no medical, no dental, no vacation, and no lunch break.
Workers in those three countries are encouraged to eat at home before they go to work and after they arrive home from work.
The Pillster, as his present wife Ethel refers to him, then told the crowd that dozens of automotive experts throughout America had written in their various publications that the real reason that Ford had such a turn around was simply because they started producing better cars.
They finally looked at Toyota, Nissan, and Honda and saw that they were making a tremendous profit. And why was this? The answer was really a 'no-brainer,' they manufactured better cars and at an affordable price. Duh.
The Director of Public Relations Stephanie Basketwine, 19, announced a major corporate change. She told the stockholders that effective Thursday December 24, 2009, at 3 p.m. (Eastern), 2 p.m. (Central), and 12 noon (Western), the Ford Company will begin being referred to in TV commercials, magazine ads, and newspaper ads as The "F" Company.
Miss Basketwine, who stands 5 foot 6, and weights a svelte 118, went on to say humbly that the "F" stands for "Fantastic." The stockholders erupted in a collective, somewhat out-of-tune chant of "Hip, hip, hooray, the F is here to stay."
Basketwine then introduced the 70s and 80s band The Cars who performed several numbers for the crowd. They especially loved when singer Ric Ocasek, 73, sang their hit "My Best Friend's Girl" and changed it to "My Best Friends Ford."
The meeting ended and every stockholder got into his and her Ford and drove back to their respective states and towns. Well, actually everyone except for Stewart Currituck who lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Currituck who is known as "Stubborn-Ass Stewart" drives a Chevrolet Cobalt.